things aren't always perfect

this week i've been having a lot of anxiety about this and about that. today i sit here, looking at the dining room table covered in papers and little action figures, at my child with his dirty face playing behind the curtains, the dirt all over the floors from the shoes that came home from the park last night, and the dirty dishes in the sink that have attracted a few fruit flies, and i think "what an ugly picture." then i take another sip of coffee and exhale.

i am a control freak. let's call it like it is. i really like order and planning and chaos that's organized. i like things just so and no different. for this, i thank my mom. the woman who taught me to never leave clothes on my bedroom floor, to dust my bureau once a week, to be the only 8 year old to not have toys on her floor and always make her bed. the woman who vacuumed twice a day, who made us do weekly chores like clockwork. the woman who even made our house guests do chores during summer vacation when we were old enough to be home alone. my cousin remembers those mornings waking up to list of chores with her name on it, i'm sure. so i think it's fair to say that i come by my compulsions rightfully.

i am learning, inch by inch, to let go of the things i'd like to be in control of. i have a toddler, there's no way i can possibly have it all under control every moment of the day. also, i have a boyfriend/housemate. e is perhaps not entirely used to my rants and my excessive need for things to be done 'right' (because my way is always right.. right?), but he does seem to tolerate them with only mild annoyance.

the stress that comes from such compulsive tendencies is just not worth it. i was shaking yesterday because i had frazzled my nerves so heavily. nothing is perfect, and i really am wasting my time trying to make everything ideal. so today, as beaz is dancing in the cluttered dining room, i am choosing to ignore the mess and dance along with him. his moves are far cooler than mine, but it's worth the embarrassing head bobbing and shoulder bouncing. having fun with him takes precedent over cleaning anyway. 

excuse me, your life is waiting

i wish epiphanies were that gentle as to tap you on the shoulder and ask to be excused for interrupting your life, but that they just want to kindly remind you that there is more out there for you. instead, mine just slapped me so hard across the face i didn't see it coming. so here is where you learn a little about my mental hamster wheel.

if i were to be cast in a movie, i would play a strong supporting role. that's kind of my deal. i like to support people in their actions, their choices, their lives. i like to offer encouragement and well wishes and really believe that people are making choices to better their lives and enrich their futures. that's just something i really like to do. but a tidbit about me personally, i am not always the best self-supporter. sure, i am independent. truth be told, i'm a bit selfish about wanting things to be on my terms, my way, and accomplished by my hand. but i'm not always very good at the convincing myself i can do these unsaid things. also, i'm even worse at deciding what the heck those things even are. recently, i was left feeling very out of sorts about myself with no direction as to what was causing my dismay. yes, actual dismay, not just a word i threw in there as some flowery accent. i was almost to the point of a break down today as i tried to figure out what on earth was going on with me... then it struck me: i am unhappy with what i am doing. not unhappy with my life, the people in it, being a mom, girlfriend, self-proclaimed urban gardener, etc. no, no. i am just intensely unhappy to have no clear goal of what i want to do with the rest of my life. i look at e and the success he has with his company and i am so proud of everything he's done with literally no dollars invested from his own pocket. now that just takes guts and he's done it. really done it. best part? it's what he's passionate about. how commendable is that?

now me, at 28 years old, i still feel like that 18 year old with a million interests, a million things i'm above-average at, and a million things i'm not sure i want to do for the rest of my life. how funny that this serial monogamist (four true relationships in my whole life and the shortest lasting just over one year) is having a serious fear of committing to a career path. now, though, i really feel that i am at a place in my life where i can, and really should, choose one.  as they say, as if it's not blatantly obvious anyway, i am not getting any younger.

at first there were goals like 'get back into insurance, branch off in to real estate,' or 'just change your schedule so you have weekends off to be with e and c,' but neither of those actually feel right. they don't really feel like i'm accomplishing anything real. somewhere my mom is rolling her eyes at the impracticality of choosing neither of those things. but this is my life, right? this is about me, isn't it? and if i am going to settle, then i'm not really living my own life, i'm not really living at all. so screw conforming. it's never been my style. practical though i may be, i still march to the beat of my own drum and i would still put plastic beads in my hair for my middle school pictures even if no one else is doing it. why? because i like it. isn't that enough?

all of this being said, i can't tell you what i'm actually planning. i don't know it myself. i will tell you, however, that i am planning something. something that will make me feel good about myself. something i can be proud of. i think that's really the bottom line anyway-- that at the end of the day we can put those tired feet up and be happy with who we are and what we are doing. plenty of people have filler jobs, but i don't want a filler any more. i don't plant to settle on one, either.

if i had a glass of champagne, this is where i would raise it and make a toast to myself and to the rest of you who are doing things in life that make yourselves feel real, feel whole, and feel happy. don't waste your todays, because they quickly turn into tomorrows.

cheers!

poke along, little snail

i am forever starting to write here and then abandoning it due to the unavoidable interruptions of a two year old, then i fail to return to finish. so, attempt #6, here we are!

with little c at daycare, or as he calls it, "school," i am able to sit here in silence and listen to the tap dripping in the kitchen, the filters of our two large fish tanks nearly mimicking the sound of a running stream, the noisy amount of traffic that uses our one way street as a thru-way, and for once i can hear my own thoughts. in fact, after driving a noisily chattering toddler to daycare this morning, i drove back home in silence, not even wishing for the radio, just because silence sounded so sweet. i often forget what my own thoughts sound like when they aren't competing for attention in my head with the million other things i must be thinking of in a day at home or a day at work. without the constant chorus of 'mommy! mommy! mom! mommy!?!' and my listing off my priorities that must get done before bedtime that night. silence, i think i have taken thee for granted.

so now, watching my 15lb coon-cat sprawled full length across the hope chest that doubles as a bench at our dining room table, his tail twitching as he gazes out the window, i take a deep breath and type.

let me say right here that i don't want to write too much about mom things this time around. not that i don't love mom things, but i am mom so much that in this quiet moment i want to write about kristina things. kristina things are not always mom related. who woulda thunk it?

i have this obsession that began last year of growing my own food. okay, zoom out a little further and you can see that it's not just an obsession with growing my own food so much as it's an obsession with being a self-sustaining household. i really want to homestead. i chuckle a bit at that term, as it reminds me of the countless hours i spent pouring over the adventures of laura ingalls-wilder in the little house series books. though we live in 2013, modern day homesteading is now an increasing reality. i feel such a tingling rush at the idea of owning a large plot of land and tending to it in order to produce food for my family. it feels adventurous and romantic. you may have just laughed out loud at the brazen use of 'romantic' in reference to homesteading, essentially small scale farming, but it really is a kind of dreamy experience. you forget about the outside world, even here in the city where we currently live. the noise of cars and people fall away as you poke your fingersl into the soft earth and place those tiny seeds into the hole there. knowing something so small with bring you something so big if you care enough for it. it's mildly hypnotic. last year beaz and i spent at least an hour in our small raised garden bed every day. digging worms, pulling weeds, plucking ripened vegetables and fruits. in that small plot of garden it was easy to lose myself and let the city fall away. to let everything get really quiet in the moment i was pulling up my first carrots, tenderly plucking green beans, putting squash by the armfuls into buckets. i even made peace with the very large garden spiders who made their intricate webs across the tops of my squash. the deal was if they ate the grasshoppers, i would keep my distance. i actually failed to hold up my end of this agreement once or twice by putting my face into the webs a few times when they moved locations without me knowing. there's nothing that really jump-starts the heart than coming eye-to-eye with a four inch bright yellow and black garden spider. eventually they moved further away as to avoiding my clumsiness.

carrying on. this year i have bigger ambitions. last year i only grew squash, pumpkin, beans, and carrots. but this year.. oh the anticipation is intense. i have successfully sprouted seedlings of six types of tomatoes, and six types of peppers. i also intend to grow broccoli raab, kale, spinach, arugula, mixed gourmet lettuce, buttercrunch lettuce, purple bush beans, pole beans which will grow up a teepee i have created for c to play in, three types of squash, two types of pumpkins, two types of melons, zucchini, cucumber, carrots, two types of radish, and a large variety of herbs. the majority of these plants with be in containers as we still hold hope of moving before this year's end, but the rest will go into my 8x8 raised bed. there are plans for large trellises in place to support the vines of my squash, melons, pumpkins, and cucumbers. i am simply elated to begin gardening again.

when i went into the spare room, where i am growing my seedlings by the window to keep them warm, and i brushed up against the tender leaves of my tomato seedlings i caught a hint of the scent i truly love in the summer- tomato plant. do you know it? that smell a tomato plant gives off when you brush against it? my seedlings already have this smell and it was as if someone ran a feather up my spine. i got that tingling excitement that one can only get from accomplishing something they are truly proud of, yes, tomato plants do that for me. especially when said plants are ones that i started from seed, not expecting them to successfully grow. there's so much i forget to love in every day life, and something like those little green plants just gives me a little taste of what i have been overlooking. i feel like i should be singing 'golden afternoon' from alice in wonderland now.

no matter who you are or what you do in your every day life, remember to take time to do something you love. even once in a while. something just for you, that makes you feel alive, proud, that makes you smile when you are through. i know how often i forget to enjoy things for myself and when i finally remember to do something just for me.. it centers my whole attitude and makes being around me much more enjoyable. (trust me.)

above are the rainbow heirloom tomatoes, and below are the small variety tomatoes, rainbow sweet bell peppers, and the mixed hot peppers. honestly, i have far more than i need and may need to give a few away..

family for four, please?

so this morning i was reading some family/children related blogs and stumbled upon a post about how to decide if your family is complete or not. the author was merely opening a discussion about her realization that she was not really sure whether her family of four, with two children 20-ish months apart, was truly complete and how or if others had advice to share. she stated that she was not feeling strongly that it was or was not, but was realizing the 'ticking clock' issue was weighing heavily on her if  she wanted to have a third child that would be able to pass age-appropriate initiation into her two children's already close inner circle. and it struck a heavy chord with me.


you see, we have been asked numerous times when we are having another. and it's not been out of our minds nor has it been off the table or gone without discussion. but i won't talk about e's feelings on the subject. i don't want to pin him to one opinion or the other. so i'll just talk about my thoughts on this topic:

c is now two years old. twenty-seven months, four days to be exact. and we are experiencing a whole new world of things with him. it's all happening so quickly. so, so quickly i can hardly catch my breath over it. and the more i watch him, the more i see his love for babies and his affections for his cousins and his friends, the more my heart aches to expand our family. part of it is purely hormonal. my biological clock is so loud lately i can barely hear myself think at times. but most of it is wanting him to have a confidant, a best friend, a sibling to share his life with. someone with whom to play games that only they know the rules to, someone to share secrets with, to break our rules with, to roll their eyes at when their parents are being nutty. to maybe grow up with and lean on when times get hard, and support each other when they are no longer children and life throws them curve balls. i want that so desperately for him i could come out of my skin over it.

my brother and i aren't all that tightly woven. i don't know if it's the almost 4 year age difference or not, but i would think it's mostly our personalities. we don't talk often, we see each other far less than we speak, and there's often little to say when we come together. but i wouldn't say we aren't close, i would just say we aren't overly absorbed in each other's stuff. i think that's okay, really, because it changes little about how we feel for each other. i still have his back when push comes to shove. i would still fight the face off any person who threatened a hair on his head. i would still be that 10-year-old big sister yelling at the bus driver for not doing his job and taking action about the kid with severe behavioral issues being allowed to abuse MYYYY BROTHER verbally and physically on bus rides to and from school. yes, i will always be that. and i will always want to be involved in his life and help him with whatever he may need. the bigger fact of having a brother, more-so having MY brother, is that growing up we did really spend a lot of time together. sure, he irritated my ears off. sure, he pestered and teased me. sure, i threatened his life many, many times. but i'm the only one allowed to do that, as the rules of siblings and families go, right? you can talk smack about your family, but no one else had better dare. we played together every day, created games no one else knew. we imagined whole other worlds and built more forts than i can count. i taught him naughty secrets, like how to steal a cookie from the jar and hide in the bathroom eating it-- then pour a cup of water in the toilet like you were really peeing and flush it. yeah, i wasn't always a terrific influence. but i would like to think that the fact that i was 'straightedge' all through high school and years after, as well as an honor roll student, at least gave him something to look up to sometimes.

i want beaz to have a brother or sister of his own. and the truth is... i want it, like, yesterday. the older he gets, the more i worry about getting too far out of baby mode. we're already tired, right? i feel we should just get this stage of being tired over with so the children can be grown together and we're not having to readjust to sleepless nights, feedings, and diapers years down the road when beaz is older? it's all i can think about lately. i rationalize the pros: costs for a while wouldn't grow by too much-- we are already paying for diapers and will be potty training so one would be in, one out, i intend to breast feed again, i still have cloth diapers, have newborn and up clothing on loan right now but will be returned. not to mention bassinet, crib, so on and so forth. they would have each other to play with and c could teach all that he already knows. but i also rationalize the cons: daycare might be tough to swing when i do begin to build my career and return to working, but at least we would be a two family income by then.  we would be tired and i would be doing night feedings again along with raising a busy toddler. everything would smell like puke for a while. but

regardless of how i'm spinning it in my head, there still has not been a decision either way. i feel we will make a more concrete decision soon, though. we have a lot of changes coming up in the next year and we've talked of waiting until we settle into a new house, get job stuff settled, figure finances...thought all of this 'waiting until we're ready' thinking makes me worry that it's pushing things further and further away when, in reality, there's no real way to be 'ready' to be a parent to one, two, ten children. sometimes, we just have to roll with it and learn as we go because, as the author of that blog was unsure one way or the other,  i am sure do not feel our family is complete, yet.  maybe it's a mom thing, maybe it's a hormonal woman thing, but it doesn't change that i hope for someday our family of three to expand to a family of four.

patience & persistence.

patience and persistence are kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum in my world. i have no patience, but endless amounts of persistence when the mood strikes me. i am learning to bottle both-- then i'll sell it at a profit, naturally.

but in all seriousness, i have been having a tough couple of months. i have had less and less patience, but my persistence got a sudden boost a few days ago. little c has gone through a pretty brutal change in his sleep habits-- meaning there is no sleep and it's become a habit. i have had two to three solid hours of sleep each night before he's woken me with a stubborn decision that he's all done sleeping for the night. try as we might, we couldn't break the cycle or convince him to sleep. good cop, bad cop was scoffed, singing and more attention was taken advantage of, the silent treatment brought loud rebellion, and after weeks of this pattern i finally cracked. let me tell you, it was a hard and messy way crack, too. for the fifth night in a row i was up from 2 until after 5 a.m. battling with beaz to just go to sleep or stay in bed or even just stay in his room so that i could catch just a short few z's in order to function. he was unwilling to budge and i was beyond tired. i eventually threw up my hands, burst into tears, shut his bedroom door and slunk downstairs to sit on the couch for a good, sobbing, ugly cry.

after a minute of letting myself explode snot and tears all over my sweatshirt, i shook myself off, dried my face, made a cup of coffee and grabbed paper and pen to begin a new plan. i listened at the monitor but naturally he'd given up and gone back to sleep. figures, right? with my pen and paper i began to map out a new routine. it only just occurred to me that perhaps we were allowing him to stay up too late at night, which was causing him to be overtired by bedtime. being overtired causes the body to produce adrenaline and cortisol in order to keep it going, so perhaps this was making it harder for him to go to sleep and stay asleep. that's what happens to me when i am running on fumes, so i should have guessed sooner that he could be having the same problem. we've had an 8:00 p.m. bedtime in place for a year because he was having a hard time going to bed at 7:00 and would wake up again at 11:00 p.m. bright eyed and ready to play. the 8:00 bedtime helped tremendously and he slept every night straight through. until he turned two. then it was like his clock changed. now my plan was to set a routine that pushed everything we do up an hour earlier. naptime is earlier, dinner and bathtime is earlier, bedtime is earlier. then i added a reward system by using his favorite: spider-man stickers. he gets spider-man stickers in the morning if he stays in bed all night and sleeps.

after i had finished mapping out my plans for his new routine, i went upstairs and woke him at 7:00 a.m. this only gave him an hour or two of sleep, but i knew i wanted him to nap early and he's no longer allowed to sleep later than 1:00 p.m. we had breakfast at the table, followed by teeth, vitamins, and music. no tv. a lot of morning start with a tv show around here. tv goes off after 30 minutes, but the day was beginning in front of the screen and i wanted to change it. so now it's music and dancing or playing after breakfast. then he may request 30 minutes of tv. if he doesn't ask, i don't put it on. then tv goes off for the day. we do active play together, letters, numbers, colors, etc., a snack, then books and naptime by 11 a.m. i also bribe at naptime with stickers. that morning it didn't work. he didn't take a nap. i tried again at noon with no success. by 1:00 no nap had been taken and i told him he couldn't have one now because he chose not to sleep at naptime. it was playing and eating and fun the rest of the day. by dinner he was begging for a nap but still he was not to have one. he started to fall asleep at the dinner table, but it was straight into the bath by 6:00. after bath it was teeth, jammies, and books. then straight into bed by 7:00. he went down without a peep and for the first time in over a month-- HE STAYED IN BED. at 5:30 he woke me by opening his door. i went in and explained it was still bedtime, and that if he went back to sleep he could have his stickers when it was time to wake up. and to my surprise, he DID! until 6:30!

it's been this way for two days now and it's amazing. today he took a nap without argument and he's been wonderful all day. i have been in a better mood because i have slept and i feel much better about our new routine. e told me something that didn't really dawn on me until later: "i am so proud of you. i expected to come downstairs and see you completely in a state of despair and instead you had rallied your energy to make a new plan for him instead of giving up." later i thought about it and i realized it was a hard choice, but one that had to be made. i knew that as 'mom' it was my job to structure his schedule and environment so that it worked well for him and for us. if he was getting overtired and having a hard time sleeping, i needed to find out why and how to fix it. i couldn't let this continue. lack of sleep was going to make somebody sick, probably me, but i was more worried that he would catch something (and there are a lot of somethings going around right now!). plus, how could we continue to function in that environment? we couldn't, that much was clear. i don't believe in giving up. if i had done this the easy way he would have continued to milk me for every ounce of energy i have. i know he's capable of change, as are we, and i didn't want to sell him or myself short by thinking we couldn't find a solution. it truly feels like an epic victory, even if it's only been two days. i don't want to jump the gun, but i sincerely hope that this keeps heading in a good direction for us all.

he may be stubborn, but he gets it from me. and i do so love that about him.

spirit of the night

I admit that I have had it pretty soft and cushy in the sleep department over the past two years with little c. He has always been a fantastic sleeper and I have always felt blessed with the gift of rest, save for the  late night breast feeding in the first year. But year two. Ohhhh year two snuck up on me and bit me square in my yoga pants.

Beaz has decided he no longer needs to sleep at night. Not only does he turn his bedroom light on every time we leave the room but he gets up to play, he screams all night long for me, and he smiles whenever we sternly tell him that it's bedtime at 3:30 in the morning, not time to be up playing. I thought we had it conquered the past two nights, but alas, last night at 2:00 he was knocking on his door and his smiling little face peered up at me as I opened that door to ask why he was up. He tells me, recently, the light has to be on because of the monsters. And yet, I am always surprised that he doesn't cry about these figments of his imagination. He just gets up, puts the light on, and sits in his bed with his Spider-Man action figure and his Chewbacca stuffed animal. Even with his moon and star projector on, he insists on his light being on. I have tried to explain imagination, tried to flush out the idea of monsters, tried to tell him Spider-Man and Chewy will protect him, that mom and dad are always here... But last night none of these things got him off to dreamland. Last night he played in his room for hours until E finally swept him downstairs to sleep snuggled on the couch with him. And there they are right now, on opposite ends, passed out in similar fashion. Today was to be his first trial day of daycare and we had to reschedule it for Thursday. I couldn't stomach sending him overtired to such a new and possibly overwhelming experience. Plus, I think part of me just needed one more day at home with him before I send him to brave socialization and new friends. Though it is a very important step for him, I cannot imagine what I will do with one day off a week. I have been Mom every day and cook every weekend for over a year.. Now to have one day a week with Beaz off making new friends and learning good social behavior, what will I do? Something. I will do something awesome.

But back to my night spirit who is so frustratingly stubborn. I am now thinking I need a lamp on in his room. Not the overhead light that must singe his retinas, but a soft light, significant enough to provide comfort and protection from his monsters and dinosaurs and what-have-yous. Though, I have to say, the stubborn thing kind of makes me proud. I am stubborn as the day is long and it's only fair that my child be, too. But  in that stubborn little body lies the sweetest, most thoughtful, most kind and generous boy I have ever met. I am neverendingly surprised by the depth of his feelings, the stretches of his kindness, and his desire to just be accepted byband to accept those around him. Even at two years old I see this in him. I know, it sounds like projecting, but it is all there. The beautiful things a child can bring to light that we don't always see in every day life or in every person. They can find something in almost everyone that's worth liking, especially the things that make a person different. Sure, there are plenty of tantrums and arguments to go along with the hugs and kisses and silly stories, but it is just a part of the bigger picture that makes up one fantastic kid. My fantastic kid. Your fantastic kid. Your friend's fantastic kid. Your sister or brother's fantastic kid. All fantastic kids.  Built differently, thinking differently, loving differently, but still all primarily the same awesome bundles that we help sculpt into something great.

new year, new attitude, new everything.

new year's eve in 2012. what can i tell you about today? well, not much. c and i are still in our jammies. we've had our warm oat-raisin muffins, i've sipped away at my coffee which now sits cold as usual before i've finished the first cup, we've colored with colored pencils and told made up stories. the day is cold and i think we will find ourselves inside. e is at work, testing for another promotion in his new dept. and hopefully sneaking out early to spend the rest of the day with us. i have little planned for today. it has been a few years since i've 'gone out' on NYE, let alone dressed in more than PJs before midnight. 27 years old and i am as exciting as most 90-somethings. i do so enjoy my sewing and knitting...

but beyond today, there's a whole new year of possibilities. this year, i hope for new everything. no, not in the 'new cars, stainless steal high tech appliances, a bright and shiny makeover, greedy greedy greedy' kind of new everything, but just the kind of newness that comes from moving in constant forward motion. i have to say that this is not a year i would eagerly relive. i need forward motion in 2013 to take me further from the tears that came with 2012... as this year came in with such a horrific bang and it's going out with a whimpering fizzle as the last of my bitter, hardened, tear stained memories just suck what's left of my emotions dry. okay, melodramatic much, but you get the idea.

2012 began with my dad's skin cancer and nose-removal surgery (surgeries). it followed with my grandmother's aortic aneurysm surgery, my other grandmother's shoulder and later knee replacement surgery, an aunt's repeated heart surgeries, a non-blood cousin's breast cancer battle, another extended cousin's bladder cancer and now multiple heart attacks, funerals of friends parents and loved people, and other smaller things financially and emotionally based right here under our own roof. i can, at the very least, report very positive outcomes for the majority of the tragic news that flooded this year, but it was still a hard year to smile through. i did my best, but at the end of this year, i let everything get to me. to think that i started out so strong, only to break down in the end. i just have little energy left to do this again. i have been irrational, angry, temperamental, stubborn, standoffish... but all the while still caring far beyond normal reason because i simply cannot help it. i did try to mend some holes in the end, knowing full well that i had let everything that has happened this year build until i took all of my stress out on, well, anyone i could. it was a big venting year, but really, nothing more. my bark is always worse than my bite, and i usually choose to do my barking behind closed doors merely for the fact that it's all hot air and rarely how i really feel about anything. but none-the-less, i don't want to find reasons for venting in such great rants anymore. i don't want to be frustrated, saddened, angered, infuriated by people in my life anymore.. and.. well.. anyone not in my life who wandered through it and maybe got a tongue lashing in passing.

so i guess that's a good way to come around to my biggest hope for 2013: CALM. i really want to find ways to stay calm this year. i am not a patient person. let's just call that old news. but if it's not old news to you then, well, i'm not. i get worked up quickly, say things i never mean, and immediately regret my sharp tongue that is always too fast for my lips. if you ever see me walk away from an argument, shut down in a fight, and seemingly ignore what's happening.. it's not that i DON'T want to participate, it's that i CAN'T. i can't because i am going to say something hurtful, i am going to get heated and yell, probably cry, and i am going to possibly ruin whatever relationship i have with that person. e can attest to my immediate departure from most of our 'fights' (i use quotations, because i honestly think we've only had one or two REAL fights.) i normally separate myself for a few minutes to steam myself out. to let the smoke billow out of my ears while i run over every possibly way i could respond. you know, the knee jerk response, the sarcastic response, the down right below the belt response, the taking the high road response, etc. once it boils over and i stop steaming about it, i am almost always thoughtful and calm in response. but lately, i haven't been so good at that. i've needed to rant and rave and vent and snap at c and e and be a bitter, miserable grouch. for this, i am sorry. i was doing so well and then i just lost all hold on my patience.

i was raised that way, you know. not to be impatient and tempermental (i get that from my father-- sorry dad, you know that one's true), but to really let my feelings show. to yell and rant and argue and let it all out. but that's family, or at least my family. and that's what families do. i have said so many things to my parents over the years, most of which i never meant, and i know there have been times where they have said things to me that they never meant. but we never hold a grudge. never. why? because we're family. and like it or not, we love each other more than anything. those fights are what taught me to walk away. to hold my tongue until i was sure it was safe. to say 'i need a minute' before i say something absolutely inappropriate. would you like to know the thing that really gets my temper boiling? lack of consideration and manners. i could rant all day about people's lack of both these days, but i won't go there. not now. i just know that nothing really rattles my cage more than someone who doesn't say 'thank you' when someone holds the door for them, or someone who doesn't even think to hold the door for the person behind them with an armload of groceries. people who are rude to their waitresses, cut in front of someone trying to park at the mall, or expect certain treatment that they never earned with simple, polite behavior. i am no stranger to saying a loud 'WHY YES, EXCUSE YOU' when someone slams into me in passing at a store. it's not in good taste, but it's not gone unsaid at times. i was raised to always respect people, always be polite, always consider someone else first and myself second, and be embarrassed of my poor actions. people aren't like that these days and it's been a really hard adjustment for me. everyone is looking out for themselves, and i'm still looking out for everyone else.. and never saying no. yes, i have a really hard time saying no. really hard. i know, you wouldn't think it the way i just explained my temper, but i hate, hate, letting anyone down. so, i rarely have the guts to say no, no matter how much i really should. and the fact is, i would not likely be letting most of those people down had i said no in the first place. most people don't weigh favors so heavily that it would upend their universe for me to just throw out a 'no, i'm sorry i can't' once in a while. doesn't mean i do it.. heck, i say yes to some foolish things. i have gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to go out with friends who insisted on it when i really had no interest of partying that night, all because i didn't want to let them down and ruin their fun. for this fear i have only called out of work once and only asked for two days off in the14 months i've worked there because i simply hate thinking coworkers or bosses will be mad at me or that i will be leaving everyone short handed. the truth about that: they are all capable of operating without me for a day. why i feel the need to make myself suffer out of, what, guilt? i have no answer. old habits die really hard.

so, this year, in 2013, i'm going to find outlets for my temper, my anger, my stress. i need to. it's unhealthy to be this emotional ball of mess all of the time. doesn't mean i won't break down ever. doesn't mean i won't be mean or cry or lose my temper ever. but maybe it will keep the balance and there will be less need for all of this build up to an utter meltdown. this year i am going to learn to harness my calm. i won't call it a resolution, because it's not just for this year. if i wanted to make a resolution, i would resolve to cut back on sugared treats so my butt can fit in my jeans better. no, this is a life goal. and, to give myself a little credit, i am about half as temperamental as i was in high school.. so ten years of bettering has come a long way. which means in ten years from now, i may be half as temperamental as i am now. that would be a pretty huge accomplishment.

i hope your 2013 is brilliant with new and wonderful things. i am going to take active measures to make my own so. here's to out with the old and in with the new!