from the ashes

i'd like to say, first, that i really do feel like this has been a rotten year. the collective total of absolute awful that's accumulated this year is outrageous and i am personally ready for a new year and some fresh perspective.

that being said, i'd like to tack 'house fire' on that list of 'awful.'

we really kicked off last week in style when we set fire to our kitchen monday morning. it all began with a pan of oil started for homefries and ended with our kitchen wall up in flames. i won't go into details here, as it's pretty embarrassing how both e and i managed to kind of tag team this disaster. needless to say, we all made it out safely and e was our legitimate superhero when he put the flames out with a bag of flour before the three fire trucks showed up to help us. c was so excited about the firemen and trucks, but exclaimed 'oh nooo, my pancakes got BURNED!?' when i explained what was happening. that freaking sweet kid. oh, to be two-going-on-three. there's so little to worry about in the world.

now we're in the middle of cleaning up the fire damage in the kitchen. above is just some of it. the smoke and soot really covered everything. we've been living on takeout and crockpot meals while we wait for the insurance check to cover a new stove, hood, wiring, walls, and cabinets on the one damaged wall of our kitchen. our cabinets are bare as they've been emptied and will need serious scrubbing and painting. our dishes are piled on the counters. our cupboard food is in plastic tubs on the floor. my recipes are all for the crockpot. and we are moving on.

i have been so overwhelmed for the past 3-4 weeks. really overwhelmed. i catch myself taking huge inhales and sighing a lot lately. like, a lot. there's been a lot to be upset about. and when i catch myself dwelling on it, i have to just stop me in my tracks. i really do have a lot to be thankful for. like, a lot.

so you won't find me hosting pity parties here. i don't have time for that. onward and upward, as it goes. the fire, as awful as it was, is a chance for a fresh start. building a whole new outlook. a whole new kitchen. a whole new start for our house.

i like to center my emotions around our home. it sounds bizarre, but i really feel that the home is where everything starts and ends. because inside of our home is everything to do with us as a family, as both individual people and as a collective whole. we start our days here. we breathe, eat, play, learn, mess, clean, laugh, cry, yell here. we end our days here. so my emotions are really heavily tied in our home. when it's not at it's best, neither am i. the scorched wall of our kitchen has really taught me a lot about how i feel about our home. i have a lot of hope for this place.  and the wall is just the beginning. i can see it's potential. and it's frustrating at times that it's going to take patience and time to make our home really look like us. to feel right. but it's just a process of growth. i look forward to the changes to come.

after a forest fire, trees can grow from the ashes. so, from a kitchen fire, a home can grow from the ashes, too. clean, fresh, new. i am using our kitchen remodel as the jumping off point for the rest of the home's remodeling needs. it's going to be great, i can feel it. and i think it will begin to boost my spirits as well. i'm kind of counting on it.

quietly

last week found me less than myself. it was a real struggle to get out of bed or find motivation for anything, but i tried. i tried really hard. the house was left uncleaned, there is a long checklist of things that need to get done, but i left it all alone to sit and be quiet. the only thing that seemed to help was being quiet. sitting very quietly with no noises except the ones that occur naturally. the wind. the cars. that was one of the only things that helped me. when it was getting pretty obvious that i needed something to change, e was so sweet as to make an appointment with my hairdresser for me. he treated me to some much needed change, change that i could actually control. with that and the love of very special people in my life, i did get out of my funk. it's monday, again, and i am looking forward to a new week with my chin up and a fresh hairdo.

along the lines of quietness, we have taken away weekly television for beaz. i was finding it really hard to get him to focus when all he wanted to do was watch something on TV. i wanted him to learn to just imagine. to play quietly within his own world. and you know what, that kid has learned it well. now, instead of requesting to watch television, he wants to play with his castle, his action figures, his blocks, trucks, dinosaurs. it took only a few days of adjusting, and it's been so much nicer around here.

we wake up, and it's almost straight to the boxes of toys i keep under his play table. we put on music and let the day unfold without need for television. he rarely even asks for it. it's kind of crazy how easily that worked and how much it's changed his behavior as well. he's more engaged in his playtime. he's not saying my name 500 times a minute because he's unengaged. (we're down to only, say, 50...) it's just been better all around. it's kind of saved my sanity, really.

it's also opened up new ways for us to interact and talk to each other. today he had dumped out all of his wooden blocks and after a while he asked me to join him. when i came to sit in front of him he said 'mom, would you help me build a fortress? do you know how to do that? because when i do it, it falls down every time! can you show me how so we can play in it with green goblin and spider-man?' first off, how the heck did my almost-three-year-old get so many words in his vocabulary and learn to use them correctly?? it always blows my mind how much he knows and how much he can articulate. but i love that he asked me to help him and explained why he needed my help. that's a pretty big step from the typical battle of whining for me to help/do something for him, followed by me asking why he needs my help or what he needs me to help with.. usually he has no answer other than 'becaaauuse i waaaaant you toooooo.' so this, to me, was a huge step in our communication.

he is going to be three. i have to remind myself often that this day is coming up so fast. he's requested a spider-man and super heros birthday party. (like that was even in question) so i have been planning something vintage-comics inspired. i am learning, after spending days and hours on the dinosaur masks from last year's dino-party, that i need to budget my time better. limit myself to only X amount of hours on each project so i can get more done this year. i must say thank-you to pinterest for you ideas, though i now feel inferior, for i doubt i can pull off even half of these fabulous themed ideas. he told me today that he wants spider-man, dr. doom, thor, green goblin, the incredible hulk, and captain america on his birthday cake with lots of candles to blow out. i have my work cut out for me... but he is certainly worth it.

things aren't always perfect

this week i've been having a lot of anxiety about this and about that. today i sit here, looking at the dining room table covered in papers and little action figures, at my child with his dirty face playing behind the curtains, the dirt all over the floors from the shoes that came home from the park last night, and the dirty dishes in the sink that have attracted a few fruit flies, and i think "what an ugly picture." then i take another sip of coffee and exhale.

i am a control freak. let's call it like it is. i really like order and planning and chaos that's organized. i like things just so and no different. for this, i thank my mom. the woman who taught me to never leave clothes on my bedroom floor, to dust my bureau once a week, to be the only 8 year old to not have toys on her floor and always make her bed. the woman who vacuumed twice a day, who made us do weekly chores like clockwork. the woman who even made our house guests do chores during summer vacation when we were old enough to be home alone. my cousin remembers those mornings waking up to list of chores with her name on it, i'm sure. so i think it's fair to say that i come by my compulsions rightfully.

i am learning, inch by inch, to let go of the things i'd like to be in control of. i have a toddler, there's no way i can possibly have it all under control every moment of the day. also, i have a boyfriend/housemate. e is perhaps not entirely used to my rants and my excessive need for things to be done 'right' (because my way is always right.. right?), but he does seem to tolerate them with only mild annoyance.

the stress that comes from such compulsive tendencies is just not worth it. i was shaking yesterday because i had frazzled my nerves so heavily. nothing is perfect, and i really am wasting my time trying to make everything ideal. so today, as beaz is dancing in the cluttered dining room, i am choosing to ignore the mess and dance along with him. his moves are far cooler than mine, but it's worth the embarrassing head bobbing and shoulder bouncing. having fun with him takes precedent over cleaning anyway. 

excuse me, your life is waiting

i wish epiphanies were that gentle as to tap you on the shoulder and ask to be excused for interrupting your life, but that they just want to kindly remind you that there is more out there for you. instead, mine just slapped me so hard across the face i didn't see it coming. so here is where you learn a little about my mental hamster wheel.

if i were to be cast in a movie, i would play a strong supporting role. that's kind of my deal. i like to support people in their actions, their choices, their lives. i like to offer encouragement and well wishes and really believe that people are making choices to better their lives and enrich their futures. that's just something i really like to do. but a tidbit about me personally, i am not always the best self-supporter. sure, i am independent. truth be told, i'm a bit selfish about wanting things to be on my terms, my way, and accomplished by my hand. but i'm not always very good at the convincing myself i can do these unsaid things. also, i'm even worse at deciding what the heck those things even are. recently, i was left feeling very out of sorts about myself with no direction as to what was causing my dismay. yes, actual dismay, not just a word i threw in there as some flowery accent. i was almost to the point of a break down today as i tried to figure out what on earth was going on with me... then it struck me: i am unhappy with what i am doing. not unhappy with my life, the people in it, being a mom, girlfriend, self-proclaimed urban gardener, etc. no, no. i am just intensely unhappy to have no clear goal of what i want to do with the rest of my life. i look at e and the success he has with his company and i am so proud of everything he's done with literally no dollars invested from his own pocket. now that just takes guts and he's done it. really done it. best part? it's what he's passionate about. how commendable is that?

now me, at 28 years old, i still feel like that 18 year old with a million interests, a million things i'm above-average at, and a million things i'm not sure i want to do for the rest of my life. how funny that this serial monogamist (four true relationships in my whole life and the shortest lasting just over one year) is having a serious fear of committing to a career path. now, though, i really feel that i am at a place in my life where i can, and really should, choose one.  as they say, as if it's not blatantly obvious anyway, i am not getting any younger.

at first there were goals like 'get back into insurance, branch off in to real estate,' or 'just change your schedule so you have weekends off to be with e and c,' but neither of those actually feel right. they don't really feel like i'm accomplishing anything real. somewhere my mom is rolling her eyes at the impracticality of choosing neither of those things. but this is my life, right? this is about me, isn't it? and if i am going to settle, then i'm not really living my own life, i'm not really living at all. so screw conforming. it's never been my style. practical though i may be, i still march to the beat of my own drum and i would still put plastic beads in my hair for my middle school pictures even if no one else is doing it. why? because i like it. isn't that enough?

all of this being said, i can't tell you what i'm actually planning. i don't know it myself. i will tell you, however, that i am planning something. something that will make me feel good about myself. something i can be proud of. i think that's really the bottom line anyway-- that at the end of the day we can put those tired feet up and be happy with who we are and what we are doing. plenty of people have filler jobs, but i don't want a filler any more. i don't plant to settle on one, either.

if i had a glass of champagne, this is where i would raise it and make a toast to myself and to the rest of you who are doing things in life that make yourselves feel real, feel whole, and feel happy. don't waste your todays, because they quickly turn into tomorrows.

cheers!