the fear and mild panic is not about the work itself. not about the hours, the dedication, the learning and mastering of new skills in a new position... the worry comes from the separation from little c. letting go of my 'full time mom' status is nearly crippling to bring to mind. someone else teaching my child, caring for him for a portion of the work week while i am not present and he is still so young, i must admit it feels wrong. B.C. (before child), i would have been more than happy to work full time at a desk, on the computer, my ear to the phone for forty hours a week. my years as an insurance agent and rater were not unpleasant, though hard work and fast paced. i happen to thrive in that atmosphere, but it will be a much bigger transition to go from housewife to any sort of professional position than it ever would have been to go from insurance agent or college student to one. overwhelming as it feels, necessity beats out fear every time.
now back to my mother's standpoint in life: six months old in one week, baby c has been amazing me with his growth and learning abilities. he never disappoints as he takes each new stage in stride. this week the newest of the new is that he is sitting on his own quite well (though still topples in his excitement for things), standing while holding on to something, and doing his 'push ups,' which entails attempting to move forward while on his hands and knees/toes. we have also encountered his six month growth spurt a bit early and along with it seems to be some potential teeth. early to cut his two bottom teeth at almost four months old, why should i be surprised that his top teeth may be interested in making an early appearance, also? i am unsure yet if this is the true cause of mild crabbiness, chewing, drooling, off and on low-grade fevers, and a runny nose.. but it seems the best explanation.
last weekend was my birthday and mother's day all rolled into one. with my birthday only two days before mother's day, our weekend was full of celebration and love. minus a few setbacks (as our new jeep died while making our mother's day visits), it was a wonderful weekend and the sunshine only added to the loveliness of it all. e & c gave me a lovely necklace displaying a small orchid and bird (two of our passions), and custom iron-on transfers of owls (my favorite animal to adorn our shirts as a type of family crest). the morning of mother's day, e cooked me a breakfast of heart shaped eggs, bagel, and pancakes. after breakfast, i was surprised with e carrying in little c from outside, his wee little fists clenched tightly around the stem of the only tulip bloom from our tulip bed in the backyard. after much coaxing, my little boy handed the tulip over to me, where it was cherished and now sits brightly in a recycled glass jar. still yellow and brilliant, i watch it close for sleep each night and open wide each morning and it reminds me greatly of my darling son who also lends such color to my world each day. what perfection in such a simple gesture.
i guess to wrap this up, the reminder of the sweetness and pure wonder that is my child is the reason i will press on with my return to work. though i adore each and every moment i am able to spend with him, i want to be able to contribute to providing for him in other ways. i feel the pressure on e to pay all of our bills may only be creating stress where it should not be, so if my assistance via earning a wage is helpful then i cannot be so selfish as to refuse it. besides, i can look at it as a way to cherish even further the moments spent with our wee wren, as the time away will provide a different kind of longing to be near him when i am home. positive things are in store for us, no matter what is written in the newest chapters of our book. my beautiful son, my beloved e, and our beautiful family is something worth working for.
what a well crafted entry.
ReplyDelete