lessons in lullaby

little c will reach three months old on friday and i find myself thinking that it is nearly impossible for this to be so. along with the smiling, cooing, holding rattles and other toys, tummy time routine, and sleeping in his crib, he is now trying to sit up on his own and nearly succeeding!

after staying with my parents on saturday night so that e and i could have some free time to ourselves (falling asleep on the couch together by 10:00!), we went to my nana's for a delicious dinner and to introduce caleb to his cousin dylan for the first time. dylan is six months old and i was shocked to find how big my child was next to this handsome little peanut! little c is not so little when standing next to his big cousin.. in fact, they are the same height! with only about three pounds difference in weight it seems that we are raising a very big three month old. it just goes to show that all babies grow and develop on their own schedule and it's just a mama's job to help give them what they need to do so.

i felt a little sad today as i finally took down my babe's bassinet. being that he hasn't used it in a month i thought it was time to take it apart and pack it away. as i unscrewed the parts and zip-tied them together for safe keeping it was just a reminder that children grow much faster than we expect or wish. i held on to the mothering desire to keep my child close as long as possible, only to learn that he sleeps best on his own. but getting to sleep is becoming an increasing battle royale! though, once asleep, my wee wren sleeps through the night.. he's decided lately to fight going to sleep like i am trying to force him to walk on broken glass! he's not hungry, not wet, not gassy, and not sick.. but boy oh boy can this child scream! he has started a habit of screaming and crying for an extended period of time before falling off to sleep. normally i nurse him to sleep, but it's become his little crutch and he's starting to only want to nurse himself to sleep. this is usually fine except that when he's full he doesn't want to nurse he wants to yell at me. and kick. and flail his arms. he fights falling asleep so hard that i am often bewildered by his reaction. i was told that i should try to let him "cry it out" in his crib but we don't have success with that, ever. the one night i really tried it not only did i feel physically ill, and though e kept telling me that he was fed, burped, changed, and safe.. he only got more and more upset and the crying and shrieking went on for almost an hour before i couldn't sit back anymore.

so ferberizing is going to be cast aside at this stage as i would rather develop a comfortable sleeping habit for him so that he enjoys falling asleep. so tonight i will employ a new method and see how it works. i would like to try putting him in his crib once the necessities have been taken care of and he's sleep-ready, and, if fussing begins, not taking him out but talking to him and trying to soothe him while he's in his crib. if this works, i think giving him the positive associations with being in his crib will help him fall asleep more easily instead of wanting me to nurse or rock him to sleep. the mobile has been wonderful, but even that is not able to keep him happy enough to fall asleep all of the time. i think this will just have to be a trial and error experience where we teach each other what works best. i don't want to be a parent that let's my child call all of the shots, but sometimes you have to learn from each other so you can find the best possible solution.

winter morning routine

now the e has gone back to work, i have been able to retake my morning routines quite happily. the lazy morning habits of vacationers is over as i wake each morning to make coffee, do the dishes & tidy the kitchen, give the floors a sweep and check on the sleeping baby. yes, you read right-- "check on the sleeping baby." for the past few weeks we have been putting little c to sleep in his own crib in his own room under his own mobile. now it's become normal and we have established a fairly good sleeping schedule for him. he likes to resist falling asleep each night, but is getting better at it despite the fussing. once asleep, he's been known to not wake for 10-12 hours at a time! incredibly he's skipped night feedings for about a week and usually out-sleeps me in the mornings. so i have time to get up and do a few things before he wakes (or if it is getting too late, i wake him).

i know what some people must think of this: "you wake your sleeping baby!?" but it's true, i do. seems outrageous and i often hear things like "we would never do that, it's a miracle to get our baby to sleep so we take what we can get!" but truth is... my baby sleeps! and to ensure he sleeps, i regulate his sleep schedule. if he begins sleeping in too late, i wake him. i keep him up for a feeding and some playing, then it's an early morning nap around 10:00. once he wakes from that, usually by 11/12:00, it's another feeding and some play time. we don't have a definite scheduled day, but after playing a few hours it normally time for a feeding and a late afternoon nap around 2 or 3:00. if no sleep happens, we do our best to keep him awake until bedtime (if no nap has happened it's 8 or 9:00 bedtime, if a nap happens it's 10:00). the tricky part is still bedtime. he likes to be close to us and even when he's perfectly happy, putting him in his crib usually makes him a bit mad. but i'm learning. i make sure he's hungry before bed and i nurse him until he's full and has either fallen asleep or is almost there. i then place him in his crib under his lights & sounds mobile (which i never imagined would be so crucial in our bedtime routine), and he will do one of three things: continue sleeping, happily "talk" to his mobile animals, or fuss. knowing that he is nursed and full, his diaper is clean and dry, and he's been burped... there is no reason for his objection other than i put him down. if i pick him back up it's all smiles and "talking" again. so i am learning that it's okay, as long as he is not crying, to put him in the crib and let him fuss it out. which he does and usually falls asleep within 10 minutes. if more than 10 minutes have gone by and the fussing is still pretty adamant, i will pluck him from his crib to nurse him once more to calm him and coax his slumber.

funny, though, that i have also been told that nursing my child to sleep each night is wrong and only provokes his dependence on nursing to be able to fall asleep. this i know to be false in my child's case, but i do get a chuckle out of other people's insistence on what's best for my child. though i resist, i often think "you really think you know my child better than i do?" just for that, i always try to be conscious of other parents and their choices in parenting their children. unless advice or opinion is asked of me, i do my best to keep my thoughts or judgments to myself. let's face it, there is enough judgment in the world without adding mine to it. and, as long as what a parent is doing is not hazardous to the child's well-being, who am i to say they are wrong? the same goes for people's judgment of what we do with our child. now, if i were doing something potentially detrimental i would of course want someone to say something to me, but, as it stands, i need no coaching from others when it comes to my baby. if i ask advice, i welcome response and suggestion openly. i am not against a candid conversation about parenting. i am against someone claiming there is one and only one way to skin a cat (in this case the cat is a baby, and i am not encouraging skinning of a child so rest assured). as if they are the one person who figured out the trick that works for all babies..

but i have digressed.. far, far from my intention in this post.

so my mornings have been reclaimed and i am loving being back to the natural flow of things. it's as though all things are right in the world.. well, in MY word at least. we all know that there are plenty of things not right in OUR world. again, i digress.

this morning i am going to take another running leap at my valentine's day projects that i have been royally fudging for three days. the initial idea was well executed, followed closely by a sewing disaster that only left my machine jammed more than once and miles of broken thread trailing onto my dining room floor.. but today i am shaking off my previous failures in valentine-creations and attempting a new strategy and some new ideas. here's hoping this works! i happen to be one who falls in love with each holiday and sees it as a reason to celebrate, decorate, and eat.. so i cannot resist the chance to handmake some valentines for our beloved family members now that little c is in our lives. though i should have been doing them all along as i once did, i will renew my passions and dive back into my project with vigor. well, perhaps after this cup of coffee has kicked in...

a nanny with fur

yesterday i spent a good hour or more on the floor with little c. i set up his activity mat and let him smack his toys around for a while before i took another run at 'tummy time.' usually it's received pretty poorly with screaming and grunting and blatant disgust, but today i was feeling brave. i set up his boppy pillow in front of his activity mat arch and placed him on his belly on top of it and waited. after a moment of bewildered silence.. SUCCESS! he was cooing and reaching for his hanging animals and seemed to actually be enjoying it. but of course, why didn't i think of this sooner? what child, who can't raise his head higher than 45 degrees from the floor, wants to be flat on his tummy with nothing to look at?? the solution was worth it. once tummy time had reached the peak and fall of toleration, i rotated the boppy and sat c in the middle of it to work on this sitting up thing he's been so desperate to do. while setting up, our 100lbs american staffordshire terrier, isa, came moseying in to check out the scene. after sniffing and attempting to carry off some of c's toys, i talked her out of her mission and she settled on the other side of the arch facing c and stuck her face through the arch. c got a kick out of this and kept falling forward in attempt to touch her face, most likely in shock that his dog now lived in his activity mat. she would just gently lick him as i righted his sitting position and then bury her head in his lap. now, normally, this dog is pushy, nosy, and in everyone's business in the most obtrusive way possible... and i would have shooed her away if it weren't for the fact that she seems to understand the gentle nature in which a baby must be handled. i just sat back and watched as she nosed him, licked him, and settled in to snooze at his feet. when she got too lickey-- which she often does with her giant tongue-- i would just quietly tell her 'isa, enough.' and she would put her head down in his lap again. and i have to admit, as often as i get annoyed with her constant need to be in everyone's business, i was impressed with her restraint when it came to my babe. it called to mind more confidence in her ability to comprehend the differences in people and how to interact with them. she is honestly one of the sweetest beasts on the planet even when you include her contempt for authority... and when i say authority i mean 'isa, i asked you to get out of the kitchen while i'm cooking.' but, rolling my eyes, i admit that even that isn't enough to condemn her. too many people condemn her breed anyway, so why add to their reasoning just because she's a bit underfoot while i am navigating my kitchen?

bottom line is that history writes these dogs as 'nanny dogs.' in england, where my grandmother is from, these powerful dogs were ferocious on the job and gentle in the home. often allowed to ride in the pram with infants, they were revered as one of the most usual family dogs with a passionate love and devotion to their children. my grandmother recanted to me her love for the breed and their common place in her country. she told me that my dogs are very sweet and incredibly well behaved and i think she held a little fondness for my isa-macgoo, being that she exhibits the breed she's quite familiar with.

so, i sat and watched and laughed at my darling gentle giant loving my darling and dearest little boy and thought 'yeah, this is just fine.' i know that i cannot trust her to like other dogs, even now as i see her cuddled against her companion, uzi, spooning him with one leg over his back, but i can trust her to love my child. we've even gone so far as to give her some ownership in loving baby c by saying he's 'her' baby, too. not that we were looking for one, but it seems that we've found a nanny for our child after all... albeit a furry one.

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

it's been a transitioning couple of weeks for wee baby c. vaccination shots nightmare aside, he's been doing many new things and i find myself amazed as well as slightly sad that my baby is no longer a newborn. we spent an afternoon last week with a rad momma and her twin *almost one year old* girls which was more for me than for my little one. it's was wonderful to talk mom-things and find myself aligned with a lot of things another mom has already experienced in her child raising. of course i must admire her as she and her beloved have been raising not one, but two little girls. she's been a breastfeeding mom of twins, which let's just say right now is amazing, and also has been on an organic solid food regimen. the girls eat a lot of home grown veggies and all organically raised foods instead of store brand baby food. this power couple prepares the meals themselves and sends the girls off to daycare with healthy meals in tow. this helps me feel confident in my aspirations to do the same for little c as i plot and plan my garden for this year. i am hoping by the time he turns six months old and is ready to eat solid foods that we will have a bountiful garden feast to begin preparing our own baby food with.

other things our growing boy had been up to include using both hands to grab and hold rings and rattles, sleeping more and more soundly in his own crib and room, trying to sit up and being able to hold himself sitting alone for a few seconds at a time, and standing up while balanced by myself or e. though i do not feel that i am ready for him to grow up so quickly, i am amazed at his progress in these areas. while he's been on track with much of his development, some things he's just hurtling headlong into! his biggest objection in our daily activities is to 'tummy time.' he resists being on his belly like he's fighting an epic battle. it's all grunting and squealing in distaste until finally collapsing and refusing to pick his head up while crying. it seems a bit mean, but i always get a good chuckle out of his adamant disdain. it's like a mini-tantrum over something that he will eventually (i'm told) come to enjoy as a natural process of learning to crawl. though we often joke he's determined to skip crawling and go straight to walking...

fit to be frazzled

yesterday was c's two month check up, as i mentioned, and he had two vaccination shots and one vaccination by mouth. we were told that the common results of these shots are that some children run a fever, some are a little fussy and others are a little sleepy. we were hoping for the latter, as after we arrived home c began a long nap. i had developed a migraine and e sent me upstairs with a bottle of my favorite beer (which i haven't had in over a year) to rest while he stayed with the baby downstairs. i nursed the beer and had only consumed about half before i heard the baby crying at about 6:00 p.m. and i waited to see if it stopped before checking on him. e usually has it under control so i just sat and waited for the crying to subside. about five minutes later i began to notice that it was not just crying, but screaming. my child does not scream. he is such a mellow baby that i have only seen him turn red a handful of times, which only happened early on during his objection to being naked and having a diaper change-- both of which he's long been over. so i wandered downstairs to find e sitting with our little boy on his lap. c was crying so hard his face was wet with tears and he was red all over. his eyes were scrunched closed and his chest was heaving as he struggled to breathe in between the sobs that were rolling out of him. i asked if he was acting hungry and e told me he wasn't, so i took him in my arms and tried to comfort him. this normally works, but we were not dealing with normal circumstances and he only continued his steady screaming cries. after about ten minutes, i decided i should make him a bottle because the breast milk has pain relieving qualities that might soothe him. i would not nurse him until i had waited a few hours to metabolize the small amount of alcohol i had consumed. i noticed he felt hot to me, and we took his temperature to find it had risen to 99.9 degrees. we knew he might run a fever, so i naturally stripped him to his onesie and then i wrapped him close to me in the moby wrap to be able to carry him and rock him while i moved around. he finally settled into soft sobs and whimpers when the bottle had warmed, i took him from the moby wrap which only invoked shrieks and screams and sent him back into a fit of crying. once settled into the crook of my arm, he drank heavily in between screams and cries and finally fell asleep. i thought perhaps we were in the clear and decided to put him back into just his fleece jammies without a sleeping sack and put him in his crib to sleep. i thought wrong, as upon shifting him in my arm to rise from the couch he began shrieking and screaming again. just the small act of moving him in any way sent him into hysteria again. i brought him upstairs anyway, changed him from a wet diaper (which only brought more screaming and red faced cries), redressed him in his jammies and laid him in his crib under his mobile. under normal circumstances he loves his mobile and will coo and smile and talk to at it. last night it was going to go completely ignored. he cried and screamed and turned red for a few minutes before i took him from his crib to feed him again. this time it was past 8:00 so i decided i would nurse him. he fell asleep after a while and i thought perhaps he would allow me to carry him back to his crib. i managed to place him into the crib and shut the door without much more than a peep. as i climbed back in bed, switching on the monitor, e and i talked about the doctor's true meaning when he said 'a little fussy' because our child was far beyond fussy. neither of us had ever heard him cry this way and were both unnerved by the reaction he was having to his shots. i wondered if calling the doctor was in order, but e told me that he thought it wasn't necessary just yet and to wait it out. so we settled in to get some sleep only to hear the shrieks and screams begin again. e said that i should bring him into bed with us and he would sleep in the spare room as we don't have room in our bed for the three of us. i gave in and put sweet c beside me, nursing him once more. once he fell asleep, any movement seemed to startle him and restart his crying fits. if i readjusted his sleeping position or if i moved in bed he would jump out of his skin and shriek like i had pinched him. i was beginning to worry, but i had a gut feeling that said it would pass so i just kept cuddling and trying to comfort him. i stroked his hair and face, his little fingers, and his tummy for hours until he finally fell into a fitful slumber. he continued to jolt and whimper and mumble in his sleep, but at least he was asleep.
at 3:00 a.m. he woke for a feeding and after being burped he seemed fine. i smiled at him and he smiled back.. so i changed his diaper and got more smiles. it seemed the storm had passed. i talked to him and he cooed and smiled and was back to his usual happy self. he was still running a slight fever, so i stripped him back to his onesie and let him cool off before redressing him in a pair of cotton jammies and a cotton sleeper sack to help him stay cooler. eventually i placed him in his crib under his mobile and he talked himself to sleep. i checked
i still feel skeptical of the vaccinations and i am dreading having to do it again, but i don't want to put him at risk by not having them if they are in fact important. it's hard to decide which is true as they have become so controversial. but i have to say that as a mother, i did not enjoy feeling so helpless when it came to my baby's discomfort. not being able to soothe and comfort him was really beginning to rip my heart in two. it never ceases to amaze me how ingrained the mothering instinct seems to be for me, as i am sure it is for most moms. i used to wonder 'how do you know' when it came to things that moms just seemed to understand about their children.. but now i get it. and for all of the talents i have been graced with in life, the 'mothering talent' is by far one of the coolest.

cousin's second year

this weekend we celebrated an early second birthday for c's cousin little e. hard to think that while i am reeling over c's second month, little e's momma must really be reeling as she reaches her second year! a fun little party, complete with princess plates and napkins, was held at nana & grandpa's house and we had a wonderful time! it's not often we get to see our lovely sister, brother, and niece since they moved hours south of us, so we try to steal as much of their attention in the short visits we get! after cake and presents and merriment we were lucky to have them stay the night with us, too! i wait for the days when our babe will be big enough to run along side his cousin and learn what she will already know. we hope that by then we will be blessed with them living closer so we may plan more adventures together. nothing would be cooler!

the second month

it's been a bit since i've written in this and i think it's due time to update. caleb is now two months and one week old. this string bean had his check up today and he weighs in at 12 pounds, 8 ounces and 24 and 3/4 inches tall! this places our babe at the 75th percentile in weight and 95th percentile in height! just a growing machine! he did have two shots today, which he was pretty unhappy about and screamed until he was red in the face-- something that is rare for him. but after we were back in the car he took a nap while edward ran into the grocery store to pick up some things.

new developments, aside from the immense growth that's taken place, is that we tried our first night of him sleeping in his crib last night. well, that's not true.. it was actually our second attempt at it, as two nights ago he cried after only a few hours of sleeping in there and i was too tired and lonely to make him go back in his crib. i never thought i would be a mom who missed having her little one sleeping next to her or right next to her all of the time but in fact.. i am a sucker for his sweet little form snuggled close by. the second attempt, made last night, we absolutely successful. he slept five hours straight, woke to eat, and then was back to sleep for another three hours or so. i have to admit, i slept better than i have in a while as well. when it came time to put him down to sleep, i nursed him for the first time in the rocking chair my parents gave me and loved every second of it. i settled him onto his boppy pillow, wrapped us both in the large quilt my cousin made him, and rocked and nursed him in the soft glow of his nightlight while his mobile played the sound of crashing waves. then, i settled him softly into his crib and heard nothing from him until this morning. the mobile in his crib has become one of two new things he's fascinated with. he can lie underneath it and coo, babble, and kick his little feet for hours. the other new discovery is his activity center which i just assembled two nights ago. after noticing that he's able to put almost his full weight on him legs and stand with us holding him stable i decided i should see if he could fit into the stationary jumper. he is too small yet to be able to reach the bouncing floor of it, but with a pillow under his feet and one behind his back he is able to reach out to the various gadgets around the swiveling chair. he has found the bee to be the most intriguing and the first night i put him in it had him near full laughter at the sound the bee makes when it is spun around. so, for a little each day, i put him in it and find myself in complete amazement of the advances he's made in his interactions and motor skills. lately it's been all smiles and noises as he works on putting his 'words' together and building up to laughter and much babbling. he's even learning to use his hands and pulling things to his mouth. i cannot help but admire the way a baby learns and grows. every advance i see caleb make just has me in awe of the way we develop as humans. to think that we were all once this small and putting things together for ourselves sometimes feels impossible. but, alas, we did it and our children will do it, too.