poke along, little snail

i am forever starting to write here and then abandoning it due to the unavoidable interruptions of a two year old, then i fail to return to finish. so, attempt #6, here we are!

with little c at daycare, or as he calls it, "school," i am able to sit here in silence and listen to the tap dripping in the kitchen, the filters of our two large fish tanks nearly mimicking the sound of a running stream, the noisy amount of traffic that uses our one way street as a thru-way, and for once i can hear my own thoughts. in fact, after driving a noisily chattering toddler to daycare this morning, i drove back home in silence, not even wishing for the radio, just because silence sounded so sweet. i often forget what my own thoughts sound like when they aren't competing for attention in my head with the million other things i must be thinking of in a day at home or a day at work. without the constant chorus of 'mommy! mommy! mom! mommy!?!' and my listing off my priorities that must get done before bedtime that night. silence, i think i have taken thee for granted.

so now, watching my 15lb coon-cat sprawled full length across the hope chest that doubles as a bench at our dining room table, his tail twitching as he gazes out the window, i take a deep breath and type.

let me say right here that i don't want to write too much about mom things this time around. not that i don't love mom things, but i am mom so much that in this quiet moment i want to write about kristina things. kristina things are not always mom related. who woulda thunk it?

i have this obsession that began last year of growing my own food. okay, zoom out a little further and you can see that it's not just an obsession with growing my own food so much as it's an obsession with being a self-sustaining household. i really want to homestead. i chuckle a bit at that term, as it reminds me of the countless hours i spent pouring over the adventures of laura ingalls-wilder in the little house series books. though we live in 2013, modern day homesteading is now an increasing reality. i feel such a tingling rush at the idea of owning a large plot of land and tending to it in order to produce food for my family. it feels adventurous and romantic. you may have just laughed out loud at the brazen use of 'romantic' in reference to homesteading, essentially small scale farming, but it really is a kind of dreamy experience. you forget about the outside world, even here in the city where we currently live. the noise of cars and people fall away as you poke your fingersl into the soft earth and place those tiny seeds into the hole there. knowing something so small with bring you something so big if you care enough for it. it's mildly hypnotic. last year beaz and i spent at least an hour in our small raised garden bed every day. digging worms, pulling weeds, plucking ripened vegetables and fruits. in that small plot of garden it was easy to lose myself and let the city fall away. to let everything get really quiet in the moment i was pulling up my first carrots, tenderly plucking green beans, putting squash by the armfuls into buckets. i even made peace with the very large garden spiders who made their intricate webs across the tops of my squash. the deal was if they ate the grasshoppers, i would keep my distance. i actually failed to hold up my end of this agreement once or twice by putting my face into the webs a few times when they moved locations without me knowing. there's nothing that really jump-starts the heart than coming eye-to-eye with a four inch bright yellow and black garden spider. eventually they moved further away as to avoiding my clumsiness.

carrying on. this year i have bigger ambitions. last year i only grew squash, pumpkin, beans, and carrots. but this year.. oh the anticipation is intense. i have successfully sprouted seedlings of six types of tomatoes, and six types of peppers. i also intend to grow broccoli raab, kale, spinach, arugula, mixed gourmet lettuce, buttercrunch lettuce, purple bush beans, pole beans which will grow up a teepee i have created for c to play in, three types of squash, two types of pumpkins, two types of melons, zucchini, cucumber, carrots, two types of radish, and a large variety of herbs. the majority of these plants with be in containers as we still hold hope of moving before this year's end, but the rest will go into my 8x8 raised bed. there are plans for large trellises in place to support the vines of my squash, melons, pumpkins, and cucumbers. i am simply elated to begin gardening again.

when i went into the spare room, where i am growing my seedlings by the window to keep them warm, and i brushed up against the tender leaves of my tomato seedlings i caught a hint of the scent i truly love in the summer- tomato plant. do you know it? that smell a tomato plant gives off when you brush against it? my seedlings already have this smell and it was as if someone ran a feather up my spine. i got that tingling excitement that one can only get from accomplishing something they are truly proud of, yes, tomato plants do that for me. especially when said plants are ones that i started from seed, not expecting them to successfully grow. there's so much i forget to love in every day life, and something like those little green plants just gives me a little taste of what i have been overlooking. i feel like i should be singing 'golden afternoon' from alice in wonderland now.

no matter who you are or what you do in your every day life, remember to take time to do something you love. even once in a while. something just for you, that makes you feel alive, proud, that makes you smile when you are through. i know how often i forget to enjoy things for myself and when i finally remember to do something just for me.. it centers my whole attitude and makes being around me much more enjoyable. (trust me.)

above are the rainbow heirloom tomatoes, and below are the small variety tomatoes, rainbow sweet bell peppers, and the mixed hot peppers. honestly, i have far more than i need and may need to give a few away..

family for four, please?

so this morning i was reading some family/children related blogs and stumbled upon a post about how to decide if your family is complete or not. the author was merely opening a discussion about her realization that she was not really sure whether her family of four, with two children 20-ish months apart, was truly complete and how or if others had advice to share. she stated that she was not feeling strongly that it was or was not, but was realizing the 'ticking clock' issue was weighing heavily on her if  she wanted to have a third child that would be able to pass age-appropriate initiation into her two children's already close inner circle. and it struck a heavy chord with me.


you see, we have been asked numerous times when we are having another. and it's not been out of our minds nor has it been off the table or gone without discussion. but i won't talk about e's feelings on the subject. i don't want to pin him to one opinion or the other. so i'll just talk about my thoughts on this topic:

c is now two years old. twenty-seven months, four days to be exact. and we are experiencing a whole new world of things with him. it's all happening so quickly. so, so quickly i can hardly catch my breath over it. and the more i watch him, the more i see his love for babies and his affections for his cousins and his friends, the more my heart aches to expand our family. part of it is purely hormonal. my biological clock is so loud lately i can barely hear myself think at times. but most of it is wanting him to have a confidant, a best friend, a sibling to share his life with. someone with whom to play games that only they know the rules to, someone to share secrets with, to break our rules with, to roll their eyes at when their parents are being nutty. to maybe grow up with and lean on when times get hard, and support each other when they are no longer children and life throws them curve balls. i want that so desperately for him i could come out of my skin over it.

my brother and i aren't all that tightly woven. i don't know if it's the almost 4 year age difference or not, but i would think it's mostly our personalities. we don't talk often, we see each other far less than we speak, and there's often little to say when we come together. but i wouldn't say we aren't close, i would just say we aren't overly absorbed in each other's stuff. i think that's okay, really, because it changes little about how we feel for each other. i still have his back when push comes to shove. i would still fight the face off any person who threatened a hair on his head. i would still be that 10-year-old big sister yelling at the bus driver for not doing his job and taking action about the kid with severe behavioral issues being allowed to abuse MYYYY BROTHER verbally and physically on bus rides to and from school. yes, i will always be that. and i will always want to be involved in his life and help him with whatever he may need. the bigger fact of having a brother, more-so having MY brother, is that growing up we did really spend a lot of time together. sure, he irritated my ears off. sure, he pestered and teased me. sure, i threatened his life many, many times. but i'm the only one allowed to do that, as the rules of siblings and families go, right? you can talk smack about your family, but no one else had better dare. we played together every day, created games no one else knew. we imagined whole other worlds and built more forts than i can count. i taught him naughty secrets, like how to steal a cookie from the jar and hide in the bathroom eating it-- then pour a cup of water in the toilet like you were really peeing and flush it. yeah, i wasn't always a terrific influence. but i would like to think that the fact that i was 'straightedge' all through high school and years after, as well as an honor roll student, at least gave him something to look up to sometimes.

i want beaz to have a brother or sister of his own. and the truth is... i want it, like, yesterday. the older he gets, the more i worry about getting too far out of baby mode. we're already tired, right? i feel we should just get this stage of being tired over with so the children can be grown together and we're not having to readjust to sleepless nights, feedings, and diapers years down the road when beaz is older? it's all i can think about lately. i rationalize the pros: costs for a while wouldn't grow by too much-- we are already paying for diapers and will be potty training so one would be in, one out, i intend to breast feed again, i still have cloth diapers, have newborn and up clothing on loan right now but will be returned. not to mention bassinet, crib, so on and so forth. they would have each other to play with and c could teach all that he already knows. but i also rationalize the cons: daycare might be tough to swing when i do begin to build my career and return to working, but at least we would be a two family income by then.  we would be tired and i would be doing night feedings again along with raising a busy toddler. everything would smell like puke for a while. but

regardless of how i'm spinning it in my head, there still has not been a decision either way. i feel we will make a more concrete decision soon, though. we have a lot of changes coming up in the next year and we've talked of waiting until we settle into a new house, get job stuff settled, figure finances...thought all of this 'waiting until we're ready' thinking makes me worry that it's pushing things further and further away when, in reality, there's no real way to be 'ready' to be a parent to one, two, ten children. sometimes, we just have to roll with it and learn as we go because, as the author of that blog was unsure one way or the other,  i am sure do not feel our family is complete, yet.  maybe it's a mom thing, maybe it's a hormonal woman thing, but it doesn't change that i hope for someday our family of three to expand to a family of four.

patience & persistence.

patience and persistence are kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum in my world. i have no patience, but endless amounts of persistence when the mood strikes me. i am learning to bottle both-- then i'll sell it at a profit, naturally.

but in all seriousness, i have been having a tough couple of months. i have had less and less patience, but my persistence got a sudden boost a few days ago. little c has gone through a pretty brutal change in his sleep habits-- meaning there is no sleep and it's become a habit. i have had two to three solid hours of sleep each night before he's woken me with a stubborn decision that he's all done sleeping for the night. try as we might, we couldn't break the cycle or convince him to sleep. good cop, bad cop was scoffed, singing and more attention was taken advantage of, the silent treatment brought loud rebellion, and after weeks of this pattern i finally cracked. let me tell you, it was a hard and messy way crack, too. for the fifth night in a row i was up from 2 until after 5 a.m. battling with beaz to just go to sleep or stay in bed or even just stay in his room so that i could catch just a short few z's in order to function. he was unwilling to budge and i was beyond tired. i eventually threw up my hands, burst into tears, shut his bedroom door and slunk downstairs to sit on the couch for a good, sobbing, ugly cry.

after a minute of letting myself explode snot and tears all over my sweatshirt, i shook myself off, dried my face, made a cup of coffee and grabbed paper and pen to begin a new plan. i listened at the monitor but naturally he'd given up and gone back to sleep. figures, right? with my pen and paper i began to map out a new routine. it only just occurred to me that perhaps we were allowing him to stay up too late at night, which was causing him to be overtired by bedtime. being overtired causes the body to produce adrenaline and cortisol in order to keep it going, so perhaps this was making it harder for him to go to sleep and stay asleep. that's what happens to me when i am running on fumes, so i should have guessed sooner that he could be having the same problem. we've had an 8:00 p.m. bedtime in place for a year because he was having a hard time going to bed at 7:00 and would wake up again at 11:00 p.m. bright eyed and ready to play. the 8:00 bedtime helped tremendously and he slept every night straight through. until he turned two. then it was like his clock changed. now my plan was to set a routine that pushed everything we do up an hour earlier. naptime is earlier, dinner and bathtime is earlier, bedtime is earlier. then i added a reward system by using his favorite: spider-man stickers. he gets spider-man stickers in the morning if he stays in bed all night and sleeps.

after i had finished mapping out my plans for his new routine, i went upstairs and woke him at 7:00 a.m. this only gave him an hour or two of sleep, but i knew i wanted him to nap early and he's no longer allowed to sleep later than 1:00 p.m. we had breakfast at the table, followed by teeth, vitamins, and music. no tv. a lot of morning start with a tv show around here. tv goes off after 30 minutes, but the day was beginning in front of the screen and i wanted to change it. so now it's music and dancing or playing after breakfast. then he may request 30 minutes of tv. if he doesn't ask, i don't put it on. then tv goes off for the day. we do active play together, letters, numbers, colors, etc., a snack, then books and naptime by 11 a.m. i also bribe at naptime with stickers. that morning it didn't work. he didn't take a nap. i tried again at noon with no success. by 1:00 no nap had been taken and i told him he couldn't have one now because he chose not to sleep at naptime. it was playing and eating and fun the rest of the day. by dinner he was begging for a nap but still he was not to have one. he started to fall asleep at the dinner table, but it was straight into the bath by 6:00. after bath it was teeth, jammies, and books. then straight into bed by 7:00. he went down without a peep and for the first time in over a month-- HE STAYED IN BED. at 5:30 he woke me by opening his door. i went in and explained it was still bedtime, and that if he went back to sleep he could have his stickers when it was time to wake up. and to my surprise, he DID! until 6:30!

it's been this way for two days now and it's amazing. today he took a nap without argument and he's been wonderful all day. i have been in a better mood because i have slept and i feel much better about our new routine. e told me something that didn't really dawn on me until later: "i am so proud of you. i expected to come downstairs and see you completely in a state of despair and instead you had rallied your energy to make a new plan for him instead of giving up." later i thought about it and i realized it was a hard choice, but one that had to be made. i knew that as 'mom' it was my job to structure his schedule and environment so that it worked well for him and for us. if he was getting overtired and having a hard time sleeping, i needed to find out why and how to fix it. i couldn't let this continue. lack of sleep was going to make somebody sick, probably me, but i was more worried that he would catch something (and there are a lot of somethings going around right now!). plus, how could we continue to function in that environment? we couldn't, that much was clear. i don't believe in giving up. if i had done this the easy way he would have continued to milk me for every ounce of energy i have. i know he's capable of change, as are we, and i didn't want to sell him or myself short by thinking we couldn't find a solution. it truly feels like an epic victory, even if it's only been two days. i don't want to jump the gun, but i sincerely hope that this keeps heading in a good direction for us all.

he may be stubborn, but he gets it from me. and i do so love that about him.

spirit of the night

I admit that I have had it pretty soft and cushy in the sleep department over the past two years with little c. He has always been a fantastic sleeper and I have always felt blessed with the gift of rest, save for the  late night breast feeding in the first year. But year two. Ohhhh year two snuck up on me and bit me square in my yoga pants.

Beaz has decided he no longer needs to sleep at night. Not only does he turn his bedroom light on every time we leave the room but he gets up to play, he screams all night long for me, and he smiles whenever we sternly tell him that it's bedtime at 3:30 in the morning, not time to be up playing. I thought we had it conquered the past two nights, but alas, last night at 2:00 he was knocking on his door and his smiling little face peered up at me as I opened that door to ask why he was up. He tells me, recently, the light has to be on because of the monsters. And yet, I am always surprised that he doesn't cry about these figments of his imagination. He just gets up, puts the light on, and sits in his bed with his Spider-Man action figure and his Chewbacca stuffed animal. Even with his moon and star projector on, he insists on his light being on. I have tried to explain imagination, tried to flush out the idea of monsters, tried to tell him Spider-Man and Chewy will protect him, that mom and dad are always here... But last night none of these things got him off to dreamland. Last night he played in his room for hours until E finally swept him downstairs to sleep snuggled on the couch with him. And there they are right now, on opposite ends, passed out in similar fashion. Today was to be his first trial day of daycare and we had to reschedule it for Thursday. I couldn't stomach sending him overtired to such a new and possibly overwhelming experience. Plus, I think part of me just needed one more day at home with him before I send him to brave socialization and new friends. Though it is a very important step for him, I cannot imagine what I will do with one day off a week. I have been Mom every day and cook every weekend for over a year.. Now to have one day a week with Beaz off making new friends and learning good social behavior, what will I do? Something. I will do something awesome.

But back to my night spirit who is so frustratingly stubborn. I am now thinking I need a lamp on in his room. Not the overhead light that must singe his retinas, but a soft light, significant enough to provide comfort and protection from his monsters and dinosaurs and what-have-yous. Though, I have to say, the stubborn thing kind of makes me proud. I am stubborn as the day is long and it's only fair that my child be, too. But  in that stubborn little body lies the sweetest, most thoughtful, most kind and generous boy I have ever met. I am neverendingly surprised by the depth of his feelings, the stretches of his kindness, and his desire to just be accepted byband to accept those around him. Even at two years old I see this in him. I know, it sounds like projecting, but it is all there. The beautiful things a child can bring to light that we don't always see in every day life or in every person. They can find something in almost everyone that's worth liking, especially the things that make a person different. Sure, there are plenty of tantrums and arguments to go along with the hugs and kisses and silly stories, but it is just a part of the bigger picture that makes up one fantastic kid. My fantastic kid. Your fantastic kid. Your friend's fantastic kid. Your sister or brother's fantastic kid. All fantastic kids.  Built differently, thinking differently, loving differently, but still all primarily the same awesome bundles that we help sculpt into something great.

new year, new attitude, new everything.

new year's eve in 2012. what can i tell you about today? well, not much. c and i are still in our jammies. we've had our warm oat-raisin muffins, i've sipped away at my coffee which now sits cold as usual before i've finished the first cup, we've colored with colored pencils and told made up stories. the day is cold and i think we will find ourselves inside. e is at work, testing for another promotion in his new dept. and hopefully sneaking out early to spend the rest of the day with us. i have little planned for today. it has been a few years since i've 'gone out' on NYE, let alone dressed in more than PJs before midnight. 27 years old and i am as exciting as most 90-somethings. i do so enjoy my sewing and knitting...

but beyond today, there's a whole new year of possibilities. this year, i hope for new everything. no, not in the 'new cars, stainless steal high tech appliances, a bright and shiny makeover, greedy greedy greedy' kind of new everything, but just the kind of newness that comes from moving in constant forward motion. i have to say that this is not a year i would eagerly relive. i need forward motion in 2013 to take me further from the tears that came with 2012... as this year came in with such a horrific bang and it's going out with a whimpering fizzle as the last of my bitter, hardened, tear stained memories just suck what's left of my emotions dry. okay, melodramatic much, but you get the idea.

2012 began with my dad's skin cancer and nose-removal surgery (surgeries). it followed with my grandmother's aortic aneurysm surgery, my other grandmother's shoulder and later knee replacement surgery, an aunt's repeated heart surgeries, a non-blood cousin's breast cancer battle, another extended cousin's bladder cancer and now multiple heart attacks, funerals of friends parents and loved people, and other smaller things financially and emotionally based right here under our own roof. i can, at the very least, report very positive outcomes for the majority of the tragic news that flooded this year, but it was still a hard year to smile through. i did my best, but at the end of this year, i let everything get to me. to think that i started out so strong, only to break down in the end. i just have little energy left to do this again. i have been irrational, angry, temperamental, stubborn, standoffish... but all the while still caring far beyond normal reason because i simply cannot help it. i did try to mend some holes in the end, knowing full well that i had let everything that has happened this year build until i took all of my stress out on, well, anyone i could. it was a big venting year, but really, nothing more. my bark is always worse than my bite, and i usually choose to do my barking behind closed doors merely for the fact that it's all hot air and rarely how i really feel about anything. but none-the-less, i don't want to find reasons for venting in such great rants anymore. i don't want to be frustrated, saddened, angered, infuriated by people in my life anymore.. and.. well.. anyone not in my life who wandered through it and maybe got a tongue lashing in passing.

so i guess that's a good way to come around to my biggest hope for 2013: CALM. i really want to find ways to stay calm this year. i am not a patient person. let's just call that old news. but if it's not old news to you then, well, i'm not. i get worked up quickly, say things i never mean, and immediately regret my sharp tongue that is always too fast for my lips. if you ever see me walk away from an argument, shut down in a fight, and seemingly ignore what's happening.. it's not that i DON'T want to participate, it's that i CAN'T. i can't because i am going to say something hurtful, i am going to get heated and yell, probably cry, and i am going to possibly ruin whatever relationship i have with that person. e can attest to my immediate departure from most of our 'fights' (i use quotations, because i honestly think we've only had one or two REAL fights.) i normally separate myself for a few minutes to steam myself out. to let the smoke billow out of my ears while i run over every possibly way i could respond. you know, the knee jerk response, the sarcastic response, the down right below the belt response, the taking the high road response, etc. once it boils over and i stop steaming about it, i am almost always thoughtful and calm in response. but lately, i haven't been so good at that. i've needed to rant and rave and vent and snap at c and e and be a bitter, miserable grouch. for this, i am sorry. i was doing so well and then i just lost all hold on my patience.

i was raised that way, you know. not to be impatient and tempermental (i get that from my father-- sorry dad, you know that one's true), but to really let my feelings show. to yell and rant and argue and let it all out. but that's family, or at least my family. and that's what families do. i have said so many things to my parents over the years, most of which i never meant, and i know there have been times where they have said things to me that they never meant. but we never hold a grudge. never. why? because we're family. and like it or not, we love each other more than anything. those fights are what taught me to walk away. to hold my tongue until i was sure it was safe. to say 'i need a minute' before i say something absolutely inappropriate. would you like to know the thing that really gets my temper boiling? lack of consideration and manners. i could rant all day about people's lack of both these days, but i won't go there. not now. i just know that nothing really rattles my cage more than someone who doesn't say 'thank you' when someone holds the door for them, or someone who doesn't even think to hold the door for the person behind them with an armload of groceries. people who are rude to their waitresses, cut in front of someone trying to park at the mall, or expect certain treatment that they never earned with simple, polite behavior. i am no stranger to saying a loud 'WHY YES, EXCUSE YOU' when someone slams into me in passing at a store. it's not in good taste, but it's not gone unsaid at times. i was raised to always respect people, always be polite, always consider someone else first and myself second, and be embarrassed of my poor actions. people aren't like that these days and it's been a really hard adjustment for me. everyone is looking out for themselves, and i'm still looking out for everyone else.. and never saying no. yes, i have a really hard time saying no. really hard. i know, you wouldn't think it the way i just explained my temper, but i hate, hate, letting anyone down. so, i rarely have the guts to say no, no matter how much i really should. and the fact is, i would not likely be letting most of those people down had i said no in the first place. most people don't weigh favors so heavily that it would upend their universe for me to just throw out a 'no, i'm sorry i can't' once in a while. doesn't mean i do it.. heck, i say yes to some foolish things. i have gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to go out with friends who insisted on it when i really had no interest of partying that night, all because i didn't want to let them down and ruin their fun. for this fear i have only called out of work once and only asked for two days off in the14 months i've worked there because i simply hate thinking coworkers or bosses will be mad at me or that i will be leaving everyone short handed. the truth about that: they are all capable of operating without me for a day. why i feel the need to make myself suffer out of, what, guilt? i have no answer. old habits die really hard.

so, this year, in 2013, i'm going to find outlets for my temper, my anger, my stress. i need to. it's unhealthy to be this emotional ball of mess all of the time. doesn't mean i won't break down ever. doesn't mean i won't be mean or cry or lose my temper ever. but maybe it will keep the balance and there will be less need for all of this build up to an utter meltdown. this year i am going to learn to harness my calm. i won't call it a resolution, because it's not just for this year. if i wanted to make a resolution, i would resolve to cut back on sugared treats so my butt can fit in my jeans better. no, this is a life goal. and, to give myself a little credit, i am about half as temperamental as i was in high school.. so ten years of bettering has come a long way. which means in ten years from now, i may be half as temperamental as i am now. that would be a pretty huge accomplishment.

i hope your 2013 is brilliant with new and wonderful things. i am going to take active measures to make my own so. here's to out with the old and in with the new! 

christmas miracles

okay, my blogging leave of absence was much needed. i felt that, although so much happened this year, i just didn't have it in me to write about it and make it come to life in the way i want to. so here i am, overcome with christmas spirit and an onslaught of emotions, ready to write a little.

biggest news first: we have a new cousin!-- a sweet baby boy i will call 'apple-blue' as is his dedicated nickname by big sis 'little bits.' dear baby boy was born in august, but i have yet to make an announcement here to his arrival. beazy also turned TWO in november. it's been a big year full of growth and change and busy days.

now, i have to stray away from the updating, as i could ramble for days about all that i've failed to write. i am only writing now, watching the snow falling, then turn to rain, then back to snow, and a mixture of something in between, because i am feeling a wee bit heavy minded. not about christmas. christmas and i are on good terms this year. i have been plotting and planning and budgeting and i am nearly done all that i need to finish before the big day. no, this is not a complaint about christmas at all. this is brought on by an outpouring of emotions. my heart just wants to reach out to everyone today, to touch their lives and uplift them. i feel there has been much sadness this past week for me. everything from bidding a heartbreaking farewell to my dog after her increasing confrontation with our older dog which led to us returning her to the shelter, family altercations which just added to my misery (i don't know if we are even speaking which is so, so sad right before christmas), and the horrific tragedy at the school in connecticut where the world lost 27 lives, most of them far too young. i have had a heavy heart, puffy and tear filled eyes, wet cheeks, and a permanent lump in my throat. but that's not what i want to write about. i want to write about the thing that turned it around for me today, as i was letting myself wallow in my sorrow once more: my mom.

last year i wrote a similar post about my dad. about his battle with skin cancer and the removal, then reconstruction of his nose from his cheek tissue. which, while i'm touching on it, is going well. three reconstructive surgeries and he's finally starting to get where he needs to be with the healing process. but this is about my mom. this year i was a bit discouraged to hear that my mom was having one of those years where she's out of touch with christmas. normally, on any given year, my mom is done shopping long before now and has her gifts wrapped and under the tree. not this year. she admitted she's done little, to no, shopping and isn't really feeling it. it was a bit confusing for me, as i'm not at all used to her feeling that way, but we all have those years and this is her's.  i guess the thing that made me realize it's all going to be okay is that, no matter what is happening, my mom always makes christmas feel special. she always keeps traditions going, creates new ones, and makes the whole christmas season magical. she's kept the magic alive for me for 27 years, i have no doubt she'll do that for beaz, too. so, even when she's feeling uninspired, i am inspired to keep the magic alive and to create some new traditions for my own child in true mama fashion, just as my mom has done.

i guess that's really something that i take away from my mom; her love of tradition and family. no matter how much we fight, no matter how many times she and i haven't seen eye to eye, i still hold the same things dear to me that she does. she's successfully engrained her christmas spirit in me, and if she isn't feeling it, then i will feel it twice as much to help her through. because it doesn't matter that she hasn't done any shopping. gifts are never what's important, cheesy as that sounds, it's about family and friends and everyone we love coming together and feeling the christmas spirit alive and well. so now i brush away my tears that i've cried for a week and i embrace the challenge of lighting the candle in the hearts of my friends and family to keep our love alive and overlook all of the bad, sad, unfavorable things that have happened this year. because, really, what's more important than getting some love and forgiveness for christmas? i hope you feel my love and offer me forgiveness, any of you, that i may have hurt at any time this year. i also wish for you to share that love and forgiveness with all people in your life today. we all need a little cheer, so here's mine.

merry christmas to you.
and as always, thoughts of a happy new year.

in the garden

okay, okay, i have neglected our wee blog for months not because i dislike writing, but because i am in a perpetual writer's block. and it's not for lack of material; beazy mccheesy is just exploding with newness. i just have felt uninspired to write about it. so, apologies!

this morning is turning out to be another hot one (and boy, have we had our share of heat this summer!), and my little guy and i wandered out to the garden to inspect out crops. i'll catch you up to speed on my gardening venture: this year i was determined to have a raised bed garden and e made that happen for me on mother's day. it was not without it's... complications. we had originally planned for two 8x8 raised beds and ended up with a double stacked single 8x8 bed with a gap in the sides which allowed my coveted pumpkins, big max (50-100lbs!) and pie pumpkins, and my golden, as well as crookneck, summer squash to grow out the sides and away from my interior veggies. the only other things in my garden are sugar snax carrots and provider green beans, and recently new corners designated to my black seeded simpson lettuce. nothing overwhelming. i do have another corner bed next to our porch with some cucumbers which took very late and more summer squash. c and i spend mornings and evenings in the garden most days. he recently acquired mammoth sunflowers which are planted in his dirt bed. yes, dirt bed. nothing will grow there and we've allowed him to dig it up as he sees fit. he and his dad planted the mammoth sunflowers there this weekend. i am not convinced they will grow, i highly doubt they will even blossom, but it was a fun project for our little dude even so.

so out to the garden we wandered to pick snails off the leaves and watch the busy honey bees in their busiest hour. we find them here each morning while the day is still cool and the blossoms are open on the pumpkins and squash. beaz is so unafraid of bugs but i try to remind him not to touch the bees. i have no idea if he is allergic and i'm not really interested in finding out any time soon. i think i even prefer the spiders and other miscellany of insect he brings to me. i take a little time to poke around my beans, which we've been harvesting every couple of days, and the summer squash, which we have already plucked two fat fruits from and a third is nearly ripe. i have never been so excited to pick my own veggies. then again, i've never grown my own. sure, i spent some time in my dad's garden as a kid (not much time, unless it was on my chore list to do the weeding or it was green bean harvest time...), but i haven't had my own garden until now. amazing how satisfying it is. next year i will go bigger and expand the number of crops i plant, but even my limited crops this year are just enough to feel proud.

beazy is about to have a new cousin, essentially any day now, and we all feel so blessed to have a new baby boy entering the family. he's also enjoyed some time with his big cousin, emma, whom he greatly looks up to. he's been a bit jealous of emma's chickens and her new kittens, always talking about them! but this morning i found him reading his new dinosaur book his nana gave him to isa, our 100lb staffordshire, and i figured that will have to do for now. he's been talking so much lately that it has been catching me off guard. this month he will be 21 months old *nearly two!?* and he's got short sentences happening. when i entered his room this morning he asked me 'momma, drink of water?' like he's had his words all along. 'drink of water' is a new one. his sentences are still choppy, but a three or four words sentence is becoming more common. after he breakfast he asked isa, the aforementioned dog, to 'read dinosaurs me?' which i assume meant 'read about dinosaurs with me?' and he remembers everything! i can tell him something and days later he will remind me of what i said. whether it involves some imparted knowledge or something far simpler, he will remember and repeat it to me at a later date. he knows who lives at each grandparents' and aunt/uncle's house, who has what for pets, what he does at their houses... children are incredible sponges. i only wish i still had such brain capacity for learning. i feel i can hardly hold my own thoughts in most days.

a little secret: i am plotting second birthday themes already (did i just say that?). it's so hard to believe my baby boy is going to be turning two this year. but i do look forward to all of the adventures we will have with him as he grows and grows. for his birthday this year, think BUGS!