Wednesday, December 19, 2012

christmas miracles

okay, my blogging leave of absence was much needed. i felt that, although so much happened this year, i just didn't have it in me to write about it and make it come to life in the way i want to. so here i am, overcome with christmas spirit and an onslaught of emotions, ready to write a little.

biggest news first: we have a new cousin!-- a sweet baby boy i will call 'apple-blue' as is his dedicated nickname by big sis 'little bits.' dear baby boy was born in august, but i have yet to make an announcement here to his arrival. beazy also turned TWO in november. it's been a big year full of growth and change and busy days.

now, i have to stray away from the updating, as i could ramble for days about all that i've failed to write. i am only writing now, watching the snow falling, then turn to rain, then back to snow, and a mixture of something in between, because i am feeling a wee bit heavy minded. not about christmas. christmas and i are on good terms this year. i have been plotting and planning and budgeting and i am nearly done all that i need to finish before the big day. no, this is not a complaint about christmas at all. this is brought on by an outpouring of emotions. my heart just wants to reach out to everyone today, to touch their lives and uplift them. i feel there has been much sadness this past week for me. everything from bidding a heartbreaking farewell to my dog after her increasing confrontation with our older dog which led to us returning her to the shelter, family altercations which just added to my misery (i don't know if we are even speaking which is so, so sad right before christmas), and the horrific tragedy at the school in connecticut where the world lost 27 lives, most of them far too young. i have had a heavy heart, puffy and tear filled eyes, wet cheeks, and a permanent lump in my throat. but that's not what i want to write about. i want to write about the thing that turned it around for me today, as i was letting myself wallow in my sorrow once more: my mom.

last year i wrote a similar post about my dad. about his battle with skin cancer and the removal, then reconstruction of his nose from his cheek tissue. which, while i'm touching on it, is going well. three reconstructive surgeries and he's finally starting to get where he needs to be with the healing process. but this is about my mom. this year i was a bit discouraged to hear that my mom was having one of those years where she's out of touch with christmas. normally, on any given year, my mom is done shopping long before now and has her gifts wrapped and under the tree. not this year. she admitted she's done little, to no, shopping and isn't really feeling it. it was a bit confusing for me, as i'm not at all used to her feeling that way, but we all have those years and this is her's.  i guess the thing that made me realize it's all going to be okay is that, no matter what is happening, my mom always makes christmas feel special. she always keeps traditions going, creates new ones, and makes the whole christmas season magical. she's kept the magic alive for me for 27 years, i have no doubt she'll do that for beaz, too. so, even when she's feeling uninspired, i am inspired to keep the magic alive and to create some new traditions for my own child in true mama fashion, just as my mom has done.

i guess that's really something that i take away from my mom; her love of tradition and family. no matter how much we fight, no matter how many times she and i haven't seen eye to eye, i still hold the same things dear to me that she does. she's successfully engrained her christmas spirit in me, and if she isn't feeling it, then i will feel it twice as much to help her through. because it doesn't matter that she hasn't done any shopping. gifts are never what's important, cheesy as that sounds, it's about family and friends and everyone we love coming together and feeling the christmas spirit alive and well. so now i brush away my tears that i've cried for a week and i embrace the challenge of lighting the candle in the hearts of my friends and family to keep our love alive and overlook all of the bad, sad, unfavorable things that have happened this year. because, really, what's more important than getting some love and forgiveness for christmas? i hope you feel my love and offer me forgiveness, any of you, that i may have hurt at any time this year. i also wish for you to share that love and forgiveness with all people in your life today. we all need a little cheer, so here's mine.

merry christmas to you.
and as always, thoughts of a happy new year.

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