Monday, December 31, 2012

new year, new attitude, new everything.

new year's eve in 2012. what can i tell you about today? well, not much. c and i are still in our jammies. we've had our warm oat-raisin muffins, i've sipped away at my coffee which now sits cold as usual before i've finished the first cup, we've colored with colored pencils and told made up stories. the day is cold and i think we will find ourselves inside. e is at work, testing for another promotion in his new dept. and hopefully sneaking out early to spend the rest of the day with us. i have little planned for today. it has been a few years since i've 'gone out' on NYE, let alone dressed in more than PJs before midnight. 27 years old and i am as exciting as most 90-somethings. i do so enjoy my sewing and knitting...

but beyond today, there's a whole new year of possibilities. this year, i hope for new everything. no, not in the 'new cars, stainless steal high tech appliances, a bright and shiny makeover, greedy greedy greedy' kind of new everything, but just the kind of newness that comes from moving in constant forward motion. i have to say that this is not a year i would eagerly relive. i need forward motion in 2013 to take me further from the tears that came with 2012... as this year came in with such a horrific bang and it's going out with a whimpering fizzle as the last of my bitter, hardened, tear stained memories just suck what's left of my emotions dry. okay, melodramatic much, but you get the idea.

2012 began with my dad's skin cancer and nose-removal surgery (surgeries). it followed with my grandmother's aortic aneurysm surgery, my other grandmother's shoulder and later knee replacement surgery, an aunt's repeated heart surgeries, a non-blood cousin's breast cancer battle, another extended cousin's bladder cancer and now multiple heart attacks, funerals of friends parents and loved people, and other smaller things financially and emotionally based right here under our own roof. i can, at the very least, report very positive outcomes for the majority of the tragic news that flooded this year, but it was still a hard year to smile through. i did my best, but at the end of this year, i let everything get to me. to think that i started out so strong, only to break down in the end. i just have little energy left to do this again. i have been irrational, angry, temperamental, stubborn, standoffish... but all the while still caring far beyond normal reason because i simply cannot help it. i did try to mend some holes in the end, knowing full well that i had let everything that has happened this year build until i took all of my stress out on, well, anyone i could. it was a big venting year, but really, nothing more. my bark is always worse than my bite, and i usually choose to do my barking behind closed doors merely for the fact that it's all hot air and rarely how i really feel about anything. but none-the-less, i don't want to find reasons for venting in such great rants anymore. i don't want to be frustrated, saddened, angered, infuriated by people in my life anymore.. and.. well.. anyone not in my life who wandered through it and maybe got a tongue lashing in passing.

so i guess that's a good way to come around to my biggest hope for 2013: CALM. i really want to find ways to stay calm this year. i am not a patient person. let's just call that old news. but if it's not old news to you then, well, i'm not. i get worked up quickly, say things i never mean, and immediately regret my sharp tongue that is always too fast for my lips. if you ever see me walk away from an argument, shut down in a fight, and seemingly ignore what's happening.. it's not that i DON'T want to participate, it's that i CAN'T. i can't because i am going to say something hurtful, i am going to get heated and yell, probably cry, and i am going to possibly ruin whatever relationship i have with that person. e can attest to my immediate departure from most of our 'fights' (i use quotations, because i honestly think we've only had one or two REAL fights.) i normally separate myself for a few minutes to steam myself out. to let the smoke billow out of my ears while i run over every possibly way i could respond. you know, the knee jerk response, the sarcastic response, the down right below the belt response, the taking the high road response, etc. once it boils over and i stop steaming about it, i am almost always thoughtful and calm in response. but lately, i haven't been so good at that. i've needed to rant and rave and vent and snap at c and e and be a bitter, miserable grouch. for this, i am sorry. i was doing so well and then i just lost all hold on my patience.

i was raised that way, you know. not to be impatient and tempermental (i get that from my father-- sorry dad, you know that one's true), but to really let my feelings show. to yell and rant and argue and let it all out. but that's family, or at least my family. and that's what families do. i have said so many things to my parents over the years, most of which i never meant, and i know there have been times where they have said things to me that they never meant. but we never hold a grudge. never. why? because we're family. and like it or not, we love each other more than anything. those fights are what taught me to walk away. to hold my tongue until i was sure it was safe. to say 'i need a minute' before i say something absolutely inappropriate. would you like to know the thing that really gets my temper boiling? lack of consideration and manners. i could rant all day about people's lack of both these days, but i won't go there. not now. i just know that nothing really rattles my cage more than someone who doesn't say 'thank you' when someone holds the door for them, or someone who doesn't even think to hold the door for the person behind them with an armload of groceries. people who are rude to their waitresses, cut in front of someone trying to park at the mall, or expect certain treatment that they never earned with simple, polite behavior. i am no stranger to saying a loud 'WHY YES, EXCUSE YOU' when someone slams into me in passing at a store. it's not in good taste, but it's not gone unsaid at times. i was raised to always respect people, always be polite, always consider someone else first and myself second, and be embarrassed of my poor actions. people aren't like that these days and it's been a really hard adjustment for me. everyone is looking out for themselves, and i'm still looking out for everyone else.. and never saying no. yes, i have a really hard time saying no. really hard. i know, you wouldn't think it the way i just explained my temper, but i hate, hate, letting anyone down. so, i rarely have the guts to say no, no matter how much i really should. and the fact is, i would not likely be letting most of those people down had i said no in the first place. most people don't weigh favors so heavily that it would upend their universe for me to just throw out a 'no, i'm sorry i can't' once in a while. doesn't mean i do it.. heck, i say yes to some foolish things. i have gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to go out with friends who insisted on it when i really had no interest of partying that night, all because i didn't want to let them down and ruin their fun. for this fear i have only called out of work once and only asked for two days off in the14 months i've worked there because i simply hate thinking coworkers or bosses will be mad at me or that i will be leaving everyone short handed. the truth about that: they are all capable of operating without me for a day. why i feel the need to make myself suffer out of, what, guilt? i have no answer. old habits die really hard.

so, this year, in 2013, i'm going to find outlets for my temper, my anger, my stress. i need to. it's unhealthy to be this emotional ball of mess all of the time. doesn't mean i won't break down ever. doesn't mean i won't be mean or cry or lose my temper ever. but maybe it will keep the balance and there will be less need for all of this build up to an utter meltdown. this year i am going to learn to harness my calm. i won't call it a resolution, because it's not just for this year. if i wanted to make a resolution, i would resolve to cut back on sugared treats so my butt can fit in my jeans better. no, this is a life goal. and, to give myself a little credit, i am about half as temperamental as i was in high school.. so ten years of bettering has come a long way. which means in ten years from now, i may be half as temperamental as i am now. that would be a pretty huge accomplishment.

i hope your 2013 is brilliant with new and wonderful things. i am going to take active measures to make my own so. here's to out with the old and in with the new! 

No comments:

Post a Comment