Thursday, May 23, 2013

excuse me, your life is waiting

i wish epiphanies were that gentle as to tap you on the shoulder and ask to be excused for interrupting your life, but that they just want to kindly remind you that there is more out there for you. instead, mine just slapped me so hard across the face i didn't see it coming. so here is where you learn a little about my mental hamster wheel.

if i were to be cast in a movie, i would play a strong supporting role. that's kind of my deal. i like to support people in their actions, their choices, their lives. i like to offer encouragement and well wishes and really believe that people are making choices to better their lives and enrich their futures. that's just something i really like to do. but a tidbit about me personally, i am not always the best self-supporter. sure, i am independent. truth be told, i'm a bit selfish about wanting things to be on my terms, my way, and accomplished by my hand. but i'm not always very good at the convincing myself i can do these unsaid things. also, i'm even worse at deciding what the heck those things even are. recently, i was left feeling very out of sorts about myself with no direction as to what was causing my dismay. yes, actual dismay, not just a word i threw in there as some flowery accent. i was almost to the point of a break down today as i tried to figure out what on earth was going on with me... then it struck me: i am unhappy with what i am doing. not unhappy with my life, the people in it, being a mom, girlfriend, self-proclaimed urban gardener, etc. no, no. i am just intensely unhappy to have no clear goal of what i want to do with the rest of my life. i look at e and the success he has with his company and i am so proud of everything he's done with literally no dollars invested from his own pocket. now that just takes guts and he's done it. really done it. best part? it's what he's passionate about. how commendable is that?

now me, at 28 years old, i still feel like that 18 year old with a million interests, a million things i'm above-average at, and a million things i'm not sure i want to do for the rest of my life. how funny that this serial monogamist (four true relationships in my whole life and the shortest lasting just over one year) is having a serious fear of committing to a career path. now, though, i really feel that i am at a place in my life where i can, and really should, choose one.  as they say, as if it's not blatantly obvious anyway, i am not getting any younger.

at first there were goals like 'get back into insurance, branch off in to real estate,' or 'just change your schedule so you have weekends off to be with e and c,' but neither of those actually feel right. they don't really feel like i'm accomplishing anything real. somewhere my mom is rolling her eyes at the impracticality of choosing neither of those things. but this is my life, right? this is about me, isn't it? and if i am going to settle, then i'm not really living my own life, i'm not really living at all. so screw conforming. it's never been my style. practical though i may be, i still march to the beat of my own drum and i would still put plastic beads in my hair for my middle school pictures even if no one else is doing it. why? because i like it. isn't that enough?

all of this being said, i can't tell you what i'm actually planning. i don't know it myself. i will tell you, however, that i am planning something. something that will make me feel good about myself. something i can be proud of. i think that's really the bottom line anyway-- that at the end of the day we can put those tired feet up and be happy with who we are and what we are doing. plenty of people have filler jobs, but i don't want a filler any more. i don't plant to settle on one, either.

if i had a glass of champagne, this is where i would raise it and make a toast to myself and to the rest of you who are doing things in life that make yourselves feel real, feel whole, and feel happy. don't waste your todays, because they quickly turn into tomorrows.


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