things aren't always perfect

this week i've been having a lot of anxiety about this and about that. today i sit here, looking at the dining room table covered in papers and little action figures, at my child with his dirty face playing behind the curtains, the dirt all over the floors from the shoes that came home from the park last night, and the dirty dishes in the sink that have attracted a few fruit flies, and i think "what an ugly picture." then i take another sip of coffee and exhale.

i am a control freak. let's call it like it is. i really like order and planning and chaos that's organized. i like things just so and no different. for this, i thank my mom. the woman who taught me to never leave clothes on my bedroom floor, to dust my bureau once a week, to be the only 8 year old to not have toys on her floor and always make her bed. the woman who vacuumed twice a day, who made us do weekly chores like clockwork. the woman who even made our house guests do chores during summer vacation when we were old enough to be home alone. my cousin remembers those mornings waking up to list of chores with her name on it, i'm sure. so i think it's fair to say that i come by my compulsions rightfully.

i am learning, inch by inch, to let go of the things i'd like to be in control of. i have a toddler, there's no way i can possibly have it all under control every moment of the day. also, i have a boyfriend/housemate. e is perhaps not entirely used to my rants and my excessive need for things to be done 'right' (because my way is always right.. right?), but he does seem to tolerate them with only mild annoyance.

the stress that comes from such compulsive tendencies is just not worth it. i was shaking yesterday because i had frazzled my nerves so heavily. nothing is perfect, and i really am wasting my time trying to make everything ideal. so today, as beaz is dancing in the cluttered dining room, i am choosing to ignore the mess and dance along with him. his moves are far cooler than mine, but it's worth the embarrassing head bobbing and shoulder bouncing. having fun with him takes precedent over cleaning anyway.