sense and snugability.

i find a little bliss in the quiet moments while baby slumbers and peace is radiating in our home. we had an appointment for little wren with the doctor yesterday and found that our tiny babe is now growing rapidly. he is now 8lbs, 2oz which means he's gained over 1/2lb since his appointment a week ago. he was deemed very healthy and growing well. makes a momma's heart swell with pride.

the whole motherhood thing has come so naturally to me that it's often caught me off guard. before sweet baby c arrived, i was worried that i would lack that motherly instinct others told me i had. how would i know when he was sick or in pain? how would i know when to check for a fever or to call the doctor? would i be able to keep my cool and not get frustrated when he couldn't tell me what he needed? but after he was here and in my arms those fears started to melt away. as they thawed, i realized that my love and connection to this boy was not going to ever be severed. i was confident i could care for and provide for my son. the moment of truth came when, as i mentioned before, he spiked a brief fever a few nights ago. when i called my mother, she asked 'well, what made you take his temperature?' and i simply replied 'because when i was feeding him he felt hot to me.' and she said 'good, you would know that better than anyone.' it made me realize that i would know these things about my baby because i am his mother. because i know him best. because as a mom you pay attention to the things that only a mom will be aware of. i felt so wonderful, especially when his fever subsided an hour later.

i watch this small and beautiful creature with awe and wonder. he's so alert. so intent on listening and looking around. he's got such quirks already that i have great hope for how his personality will grow and develop. he makes me smile, laugh, and cry all at once. to love something so much that the emotions are impossible to withhold is such a gift. i could not ask for more than this.

hot under the collar

today i had my first real moment of panic for baby wren. we had him circumcised and the plastic ring that was due to fall off in five more days came off this morning. i felt my insides quiver as i called the on call doctor who assured us it should be okay. we just need to keep an eye on it until tomorrow to see if it looks infected or too swollen. my heart breaks for my sweet babe as i know that i shouldn't overreact. but later tonight he was fussy and hot to the touch. i took his temperature and after a few reads it was 100. my insides began to quiver again as i dialed my mom and asked what to do. she calmed me down and said that babies seem to run mild fevers around this time of night so not to panic. she told me to wait an hour and check it again to see if it had stayed the same or if it had gone up. if it seemed the same or higher, to cool him off with washcloths and call our doctor. later e took his temperature and it read perfect 98.6. i still feel a little on edge, but i am glad that he is not actually running a fever. tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment and i hope everything turns out to be okay. a momma can only handle so much worry!

winter dreamin'

today e cleaned up the garage and brought in my overly-large box of christmas decorations. now all we need is the tree and i can begin my favorite part of the winter season: christmas stylizing. i also spent about an hour with baby wren taking photos in the soft daylight. it felt o-so wonderful to take portraits again. makes me want to only photograph newborns as they are simply beautiful in every way.

proud mother wren

as my dear sweet baby wren slumbers, i find a quiet moment to pause and catch up. in my heart, one song continues to sing loudly over and over again; 'at last, my love has come along.'

two weeks overdue and my doctor spoke the word 'induction.' on november 18th at 5:00 a.m. we were in our birthing suite at the waldo county hospital's women & infant's center. our lovely nurses prepared me for what was to come and set me on my way into labor. e was doing well, as he has originally claimed he would be very nervous, and my mom soon arrived to also be at my side. shortly after, my wonderful doctor came in only to laugh and say 'i thought you would go into labor on your own! usually when i mention the word 'induction' women go into labor on their own from the shear thought of it!' he broke my water and i was quickly on my way. contractions were unpleasant, as my nurse put it 'they call it labor for a reason.' i was able to breathe through them and both e and my mom comforted and coaxed me quietly through them. hours in, i needed some relief and asked for the IV pain medication first. it did not ease contractions or my discomfort, but it did give me a good minute of rest in between them. it was short lived, as the contractions got stronger and fiercer and hours later i was asking to be given the epidural. my body was telling me i was ready to take a break and get some rest in order to be ready for the hardest part-- pushing! an hour later one of the anesthesiologists arrived and had a hard time giving me the epidural. once it was in, i soon discovered it was a failure and relaxation was to be a pipe dream. it managed to numb my legs and hips, but nothing else. my contractions strengthened and began to break in waves one on top of the other. i succumbed to the reality that i was not going to get relief after all. i wrapped my mind around the pain and focused souly on each and every moment of pain, what it's purpose was, and where it was taking me (closer to meeting my baby). the hours ticked by and my doctor came in for another progress check once i was feeling lots of pressure and the urge to push. thinking this was it, the time to begin our finale, he checked me only to report sadly that i was still stuck at 7cm. i had been at 7cm for a few hours and now it was discovered that my wee baby wren was posterior (facing backwards) and stuck in my pelvis. his head was putting pressure on my cervix and causing swelling that was preventing progress and dilation. he offered me two options: continue to labor for a few more hours and see if i finally could get there or have a cesarean. unfortunately, this was fourteen hours into my labor and i was exhausted. my hands shook, my voice was weak, and my mind (though focused) knew this natural labor was not going to happen. i was done and ready to meet our boy. i told this to my nurse and she told me to wait another hour and see what happened. i looked at e and said 'i don't have another hour, i need this now.' e looked and me and said 'i will take care of it.' he left the room and spoke to my doctor, who came back and said we would do it as soon as he got all of the staff ready. half an hour later i was being wheeled into surgery. the issue with the cesarean was that the epidural did not work for me, so they wanted to put me under to perform the surgery. for e and myself, this was the worst news. e took my doctor aside and had a talk with him about our fears and my amazing doctor asked the anesthesiologist to do the spinal block if at all possible. after 20 minutes and discovering a curve in my lower spine, the very talented anesthesiologist had me numb from my chest down. e joined me in the room and moments later he was being told to stand and look over the drape. at 7:50 p.m. out came our beautiful little boy and all e said was 'he's perfect, kristina.' our baby wren was quiet, and finally cried, much to my relief. then he was brought to me, eyes open, no longer crying, and indeed perfect. his face was put next to mine and i rubbed my nose to his nose, kissed him softly and whispered words of love to him. i then looked at e, he gave me a kiss, and i said 'go introduce our little boy to our family.' 7lbs, 15oz, and 20.25 inches long, he had finally arrived.

when i finally held my darling boy, i was overwhelmed by my immediate love for him. he happily and greedily fed and nestled perfectly into my arms, like he had always belonged there.

we have been home for 6 days and little wren is now 8 days old. he eats well, sleeps four to five hours straight in his own bassinet each night, and he's already showing a strong personality. he opens his eyes to look around, though as of yet he can only see shadows, light, and black & white. he's purely amazing from a mother's standpoint, but i know i'm not alone in feeling this way. we celebrated our first thanksgiving with my mother and father and enjoyed a bountiful feast. the night before we even got to spend time with e's mom, who will be known as mima from here on, as she spent the night and thanksgiving morning with us. plenty of visitors greeted baby as my aunt and uncle and cousin stopped at our house before we left for my parents', my grandparents, aunt, and cousin later dropped by my parents', too. turns out, our babe is a popular one.

i cannot say each moment of my new found parenthood has been or will be easy, but i must confess i have loved all of those moments and look forward to those coming in our future days. tears have trickled down my cheeks but a few times today as i allowed myself to acknowledge the love and appreciation i have for my son, my beloved e, and our families & friends.

for the grand finale

we've reached 42 weeks and there has been no real action made by our wee wren to move out of his cozy home in my belly and greet us on the outside. but worry not! we are concluding this pregnancy today -- in one hour to be exact. at 5:00 a.m. this morning i am to be induced. my doctor was waiting hopefully for me to start labor on my own, but, after much effort via walking and other various suggestions on how to get labor going, i never managed more than sporadic contractions. thus brings us to today and the grand finale for this momma. i have been awake since 11:00 p.m. in anticipation for what's to come. trying my hardest to sleep, i achieved nothing more than a head full of thoughts. the thing that's been amazing to me is how completely calm i've felt about this whole thing. even as the weeks counted down into days and now mere hours until our baby's arrival, i find that i have yet to feel nervous. i am so excited to meet our little boy that i am sure it's that the reality hasn't struck me yet.. but once i am told 'push!' it will become much more real for me. it's just very difficult to believe that this day has finally arrived and that i will be a mother. i have thought about this day for years and wondered what it would be like and the day has finally arrived. a family of my very own, of what more could i dream? a nest to feather with all of the love two wrens can give.

a means to an end

after a nonstress test on tuesday and a biophysical profile today, we have reached two conclusions: first-- our little boy is very healthy and second -- he's now 8lbs and i will need to be induced next week! he's gotten big enough that the doctor does not want to wait much longer before inducing me because if he gets much bigger he could make labor and delivery difficult for me. we don't know the exact date next week, but we have another NST on monday and an appointment with my doctor on tuesday. i'll most likely be induced tuesday or wednesday if i don't go into labor on my own this weekend. so ready to meet him! we watched him suck his hand, smile, and stick out his tongue today on the ultrasound and i just wanted to kiss his sweet little face!

busy birds

today rolls in as three days overdue and i'm trying to keep myself busy as not to get too anxious for labor to start. yesterday e and i went to run last minute errands in town before the little wren arrives. i managed to convince him to go to the local goodwill store with me where i pillaged the sweater racks for wool sweaters to begin my felted winter projects. i immediately felted them once we got home and today i started thinking of ways in which to re-love them into new things. i finally decided to make a christmas stocking for our babe's first christmas and set to work cutting up the sweaters and setting aside the pieces i liked best. once i had found the patterns and colors i wanted to use, i began drawing out the pattern for the stocking and cutting all of the parts to make it whole. now that i've begun using a sewing machine, i'm also learning how to sew much better. i was able to make the basic stocking without much distress and it all began to fall into place. i decided to hand stitch the cuff, pocket, toe & heel patches onto the stocking and finished it off with a button. sitting back and looking at it, i am blissfully excited to have our little boy share the christmas holiday with us. christmas happens to be this momma's favorite holiday and having a baby to spoil and pass my traditions down to warms my soul. can't wait to fill his stocking with goodies, though next christmas will be the one he'll actually be old enough to participate in.

patience is precious

today is our official due date for wee wren's arrival. still no baby, yet, but we're hopeful that it will be soon. though patience is not my strong suit when it comes to such exciting things, i am doing my best to just wait him out. so today's agenda will consist of laundry, dishes, doing all of the floors and some light dusting, getting groceries, and a late night walk with e and the pooches once he gets home from work. we have fall rain falling and clouds in the sky outside, but the sun is out on the inside today!

waiting in the wings

today i had an appointment with my doctor, hoping for great news. unfortunately that news didn't come. tomorrow is my due date and i have only progressed to 1cm dilated and my little wren's head is still high. the only option right now is to keep walking and try to let gravity help. we have an appointment next tuesday to have a non-stress test and then another check up to see how things are going and what our next step will be if he decides to stay nestled up much longer. i did manage to make an appointment to meet our pediatrician tuesday as well because it occurred to me that we will very soon have need for one! though i am feeling quite impatient, it's so exciting to know that any day now we could be welcoming our baby boy into the world and our lives. what a beautiful thing.

for the finale

as the fall air grows colder and the leaves have almost all left the trees and found a final resting place on the ground, i find myself anxiously chomping at the bit to have my son here with us. the sunshine through the bedroom windows warms the blankets on the bed as our fluffy black cat suns himself. this scene lends the insides of our home a cozy feeling as it shelters what's within from the nip in the air that's without. three more days until wee wren's due date and i cannot help but feel minutely dismayed at the fact that i feel no closer to labor. every morning e asks me how i'm feeling and if i think i'll go into labor soon and i hate to admit, each time, that i do not feel any closer. i can only hope my sweet babe will not keep us waiting too long to meet him. we are ready and we are calling 'olly olly all come free!'

spread your wings

five days. that's all that are left in our countdown to little wren's due date. we are prepared for the 'any day now' arrival and hoping he doesn't keep us waiting, but there's a bigger possibility he will wait to spread his wings and join us. thankfully i've begun readjusting to sleepless body & mind and most night's i'm able to get five hours of sleep. this morning, though, i found that i could not get back to sleep after my dear cat woke me up to be let out into the garage. so at 5:00am i lay awake thinking my usual wide-awake thoughts of baby, life, and the approaching labor. finally, at 7:00 i dragged myself into e's lair (his takeover of the spare room can only be described as such, trust me) and crawled drowsily into bed next to him. curling up against his back, even without the covers over me, as they were tightly wrapped around him, was so warm. i immediately fell asleep against him. it's remarkable that after months of not being able to get comfortable or sleep next to him, that my most peaceful slumber lately is in the wee hours of the morning when he crawls into bed next to me before he gets up to ready himself for work. this morning when he woke, he rolled over, covered me in the blankets, wrapped his arms around me and back to sleep we went. it was nice to have a later start than usual today. those little moments take me back to when we first started our relationship. i can't wait to bring our little wren into our world and share in these small cozy moments, too.