a b c's

 i have a feeling i am running out of time during my wee wren's nap to write this, but i am boldly giving it a shot. he's been swinging in his owl swing for about two hours, waking briefly every so often to fuss and crash into sleep again, so now is my chance.

watching a child grow, my child grow, has been nothing short of phenomenal. i have all but forgotten just how small he was a mere six weeks ago as he is now around eleven pounds and over twenty-two inches long. he has been outgrowing clothes with rapid speed and i am struggling to keep up with this race to grow up! we have put aside the newborn clothes and are now beginning to weed out the 0-3 month outfits that his long legs are casting aside far too quickly. last night i, somewhat sadly, began packing away the wee jammies and teensy sockies that once fit my sweet boy's feet. it's been a sprint to the next sizes and he's leaving them behind without more than a passing glance. i have already begun to use some of the 3-6 month sizes! thankfully, we are overloaded with outfits in this size, but i fear he will hardly wear most of them before i will be packing those away, too, and breaking into the 6 month and up sizes. it's simply remarkable how short the stretch of time was where i thought he would never grow into some of these clothes and now those clothes have been worn once and never again will he be able. simply remarkable, indeed.

today i watched a video we took of him almost a month ago, and i was in awe of just how tiny he was. now he has begun to coo more readily, he's all smiles at times, and he's even starting to learn what his wee hands are for. weeks ago i hung a small lion toy above his pack n' play bassinet bed. just a stuffed little lion on a ribbon that jingles a bit when it's been jostled about. darling little c has learned, after many times of hitting it without true intention, that this lion makes noises and swings about with a smack from his little hands. now he stares intently at it and throws his hand in it's direction with true intent, almost amazed when it jingles and lurches away from him upon contact. then, with what can only be described as satisfaction, he coos and grunts at his little lion friend as if to say 'you are fun, do it again!' if this is just the beginning of the pride a mother feels over her child's discovery, then i am in for a tremendously wonderful ride.

firsts

 little c's first christmas could not have been more incredible. sleeping on the ride up to my grandparents' house, he was wide awake and happy upon arrival. we no more than stepped through the door before he was swept away by his great aunts and cousins, not to come back to my arms for two hours! he received many sweet and thoughtful gifts, and greeted everyone who held him with smiles and coos. only after deciding he was hungry did he begin his squirming dance and i took him into the bedroom to steal a quiet moment and feed him. once fed and happy, back in the arms of my family he went. i could not have been more impressed with how mellow he was and how easily he moved from arms to arms without a peep. after being spoiled at his great grammy and great grampy's, we packed are huge haul into the back of the truck and jetted up the road to his grammy and grampy's for more presents and fun. again, he happily sat with my mom and dad without more than a few coos and squeaks before leaving grampy with a lap-full of poopy diaper. e took him in the bedroom to change him and behold! a major blowout! i had originally had him in a sweet striped sweater one piece with an elfie-style hood.. which was discarded and swapped for our back-up pj's. my nana & grampy jim arrived a little later and the present opening began again. by this point, both e & c were christmas'd out, dozing quietly in the corner chair of my parents' warm living room. once the gifts were exchanged and gushed over (yes, much gushing was to happen the whole day through), we all gathered around the dinner table to enjoy prime rib, mashed potatoes, rolls, corn and peas with a desert of gingerbread. once we ate our fill, we bid adieu to my family and made the drowsy trip home where e entertained friends and i fell fast asleep.

the next morning we traveled a shorter distance to e's parents' house where we met up with his sister j, brother-in-law a, and niece little bits. this would be the first time they (other than auntie j, who was at the hospital for c's birth) would be meeting! little bits was meeting her cousin 'kay-bet' for the first time and i could not have grinned more at her excitement over the baby. it was so wonderful to see them, and we gathered around pop in the living room while he handed out many goodies to spoil us all yet again. after i fed little c, and little bits took a spin in her sled in the winter snow, we got a great brunch time treat of breakfast sandwiches that anyone would be jealous over. with a winter blizzard brewing, we had to sadly say our goodbyes to auntie j, uncle a, and cousin little bits as they made the long journey home to beat the snow. shortly after, we, too, trekked the short drive home where we finally unloaded all of our christmas loot and i began the task of sorting it and putting it in proper places.

today we woke to the promised blizzard and the wall of snow in our driveway. e's work did not open until late, so he woke me with a delicious breakfast that we enjoyed in bed with our wee wren dozing between us. now it's back to business as usual as i sort through the laundry, new baby clothes, new towels and bedding, and decide where the remainder of our christmas lovelies will live. when i look at all we came home with, i cannot help but send out waves of great thanks for our loving families and friends. we were not able to treat everyone to as much as we would have liked to this year, but next year we are going to try to make up for a tight 2010.

not a creature was stirring

 at 2:45 this morning little c started to stir in his bassinet. waking up for his night feeding, i lifted him to my bed and drowsily fed him. while he ate it dawned on me that it is now officially his first christmas day. once he finished sleeping i pulled him close and rose from the bed to place him softly back into his bassinet. i couldn't resist leaning over and placing my lips to his chubby sweet cheek and whispering 'merry first christmas, baby. so many more to come.'

christmas eve love

here we are, christmas eve, and all of the presents are finally under the tree. the baby is fed and happily dozing in his swing and e and i are sitting cozily by the lights of our christmas tree. tomorrow is a day i have anticipated since i found out that i would be expecting a little one in time for it. though our little wren will not remember this day in 2010, it will forever be ingrained in my memory as one of the greats. sharing this day (because the magic of this holiday is always alive for me) with our son is something so wonderful it has me bursting with love. we may not have been able to buy much for gifts, but what we have in family and love is so much greater than the paper dollar could buy.
i have a few cozy cute outfits set aside to try on baby tomorrow, as i cannot decide which to put him in, and i am counting the hours before we are together with family to share in this joy. we will be able to sleep in a bit in the morning before having to leave first to travel to dedham to my grandparents' and the traditional 'coleman family christmas.' my mom's side (my mom has five siblings) will have both rooms of my grandparents' packed full with all 30+ of us. the tree is usually packed so full that half of the living room is gifts, while people are piled on the furniture, stairs, and children on the floor. my grammy will take her post in the center of the room in front of the gift pile and begin to call out and pass out, or sometimes throw out, gifts. it's loud and chaotic and wonderfully common practice. i am glad that c will be a part of this and next year will be old enough to partake in and enjoy it. after that it's up the hill toward the mountain to my parents' house for gifts around their tree. my mom and dad instilled the spirit of this holiday in me and my brother and every year my mom comes alive with infectious cheer and excitement. i always feel that my parents do too much, but stopping them from buying gifts would really only put a damper on their mood, i think. i can't imagine my mom or my dad wanting to cut back because, as much as my brother and i love the thoughtfulness in every gift we receive, my parents (mom especially) are always excited to give the gifts and see them opened and loved. this year they had a grandson to buy for, and i know it only amplified the spirit and joy of gift giving for them. their generosity never goes unnoticed and i always try to put equal thought into all of my gifts as well. tradition would have it that we do not do gift cards or money, but buy each recipient something that we took great care in picking out or making specially for them. after the gifts are exchanged and opened, gushed over and enjoyed, my nana and grampy jim will arrive to do their gifts with us as well. taking turns and telling stories, we'll sit once more around the tree while christmas music lulls in the antique radio in my parents' living room, perhaps it will be cold enough to light a fire in the cast iron wood stove. after gifts are once again exchanged, opened, and loved, we will be expecting e's parents to arrive in time for dinner. this is something new and lovely to share in. my parents will have been preparing a prime rib all day and my mom will be ready to pull it from the over upon their arrival. a simple but tasty feast with loving family, full of warmth and laughter. what more could we want out of this day?
once we are home and drowsily making our way to bed, i know we will be filled with love, joy, and thanks for the wonderful people in our lives and the newest addition to our family.

one magic month

 my baby is, dare i say it? ...one month old!

saturday marked the day our sweet child turned a full month old and i cannot even begin to calculate where the time went. saturday night little c and i stayed with my parents while we gave e the run of the house to entertain his friends who were visiting from out of state for christmas. we had a wonderful time with c's grammy and grampy and the following day he spent a few hours with his nana and grandpa while e and i got a few things done around the house.
today we had his one month check up at the doctor's and he weighs 10lbs, 9oz. and he's 22.25 inches long. amazing that my once 7lb, 15oz & 20.25 inch newborn has grown this month. but the measurements are not the only growth we've been tracking. our wee wren is now holding his head up and looking around with tremendous strength and smiling and cooing back at us. every day i find myself in awe of this little wonder and all of the things he does. i never thought i would be one to gush non-stop about her child, but i find i cannot help it. though i still love the things i always have, i find my love for my sweet baby wren surpasses all!

you are my sunshine

little c is nearly one month old. saturday will mark this occasion and i cannot understand where the time went! i still feel that it was yesterday that we arrived home from the hospital, and yet three and a half weeks have already come to pass. he's been growing like the magic bean stock that young jack once climbed and beginning to interact even more than before. he's holding his head up for longer periods of time, tracking our movements and voices. he's almost cooing and he's begun to smile in his sleep as well as when we talk to him/smile at him. it amazes me to no end the amount of love and joy i feel for my little boy. sometimes, when he's being particularly cute, i get that 'petting the kitty too hard' urge and want to squish him so close to me and never let him go.

right now, as i watch him sleeping in his little bugs bouncer, i am in awe of just how perfect he is and how miraculous it is that he was once growing within me. nothing could ever top the feeling of being a mother. it's purely magical.

mild mornings

i've begun to take small moments for myself at very odd hours now. my 'me time' usually happens at 4:00 a.m. after i've fed little wren and put him back to bed. being that i am breastfeeding, i usually do a follow up with my breast pump to get a last let down and try to increase my milk production. so while i'm sitting either on the couch or in bed (this usually depends on where e is sleeping as he's been on the couch lately) and pumping i take a quiet moment for myself to reflect. i don't know how to meditate, though e does and has tried to teach me, but just reflecting on the day and leaving myself emptied out, calm, and refreshed has proved helpful. this morning i few my wee wren and cuddled in bed with both of my boys before getting up to come downstairs for a little mommy time. now they are both snoozing upstairs and i have managed to do a few of my usual morning things.

yesterday my momma came to visit and spend time with little c and we watched a movie cuddled up on the couch. it was relaxing up until she left.. and then everything seemed to unravel. by the time e arrived home i was all undone. thankfully, my wonderful dude has a patient way of talking me down from the dizzying heights of ledge built by frustration and loving me enough to step up when i'm stressed out and help with whatever i may need. i am guilty of trying to saddle myself with everything i want to be able to handle and waiting until the last possible moment to admit my back is breaking under the weight. e knows this all too well and has an uncanny way of pinning me down and helping me work it out. last night he did just that, as well as went to the store to buy ingredients for one of his marvelous dinner creations (no one cooks like this man) and also a treat of hot raspberry cocoa. i am so lucky and grateful for him and for the life we've built together. i cannot imagine being a parent all on my own. just having him help me unwind even after he's worked his ass off all day allows me to enjoy each moment i spend with him and with our son.

cozy christmas

today c and i indulged in the sultry sounds of bing crosby, perry como, and the andrews sisters christmas compilation while i decorated our tree. i love this tradition now that it's become my own for my own family. as a child, my father used to put on christmas music and put the multi-colored lights on our tree with expert finesse that only comes from years of practice and patience. once the lights were on the tree, it was then up to my brother and me to put on all of our many cherished decorations. now that i am on my own, my mother bestowed upon me a small box full of some of these ornaments that once graced our childhood trees. so today i took pride in placing each and every little item on the tree. the glass light bulb covers in the shapes of santas, teddy bears, and angels, the icicle light covers, and the teddy bear covers that i know my mom had loved as she used to collect bears. then came the white-painted pine cones my father had collected and painted himself to hide the bald spots in our charlie brown christmas trees. and the ornaments. oh the ornaments. i only have a few of the vast collection i truly own, having left most of them behind with my parents, but the ones i have are full of sweet memories. little wren is even beginning a collection of his own, as five of the many on the tree are his already.

tonight we shall sit in front of the tree and admire it's beauty and the warmth it fills me with to share it with my son. i hope he will grow to love this holiday season as much as i do and always be filled with the childlike wonder it instills in us.

boy, oh my boys.

i am finding myself more in love every day with my little wren. baby c, even at his most frustrating, is such a wonder. he's learned to take a bottle and he even holds his pucky (pacifier) in the few cases that we allow him to comfort himself with it. we have tried to keep his exposure limited on the bottle and pucky but he's taken care of this for us as he prefers the real deal over rubber imitation. he's lifting his head up for long periods of time and, with our assistance, he loves to sit up and look around. he responds to our voices and focuses on whatever is in his focal range at this time. it just makes a mother burst with gloating pride, though bragging about it seems rather foolish as what parent doesn't feel this way about their own child? we all think our little ones are miraculous no matter what they do.

now, i admit rather sheepishly that i had originally thought i wanted a little girl. when i first found out i was pregnant i was convinced it was a girl. in my mind i felt that having a girl would be the easiest for me because i would have my womanly knowledge to impart on her. i feared that i would have nothing to offer a little boy and that he would souly be his father's child. when i found out we were having a boy, though, i was just as happy. and i quickly learned, even while pregnant, that my initial fears were absolutely foolish. i am loving having a little boy. i read to him, sing to him, dance with him, bathe him, and snuggle him like there will never be a tomorrow. breastfeeding him is a bond that only he and i share, and i have no further trepidations about him only being daddy's boy. for now, at least, he's my darling boy all day long. then when e get's home from work and settled in for the night, i hand c over to him and they have their own kind of bonding time while i catch up on a few chores and some brief mommy-time.

i love all of my boys: e, c, uzi & dozer. even with miss isa & i outnumbered in our ladyhood, i don't mind at all. c is terrific most all of the time, while e and i are closer now than we have been in months. this is thanks largely in part to my feeling better about myself. not carrying around a watermelon-sized mound on my front and finding my feet fitting comfortably back into my old shoes does wonders for this mother wren's spirits. i no longer need the 8 pillows i was sleeping with and enjoy having e in bed next to me again for those cold nights where his body heat fends off the chill while i snuggle close against him.

i have said it before, and now i say it again... i am so very lucky.

king of clean

one of my favorite things now is to give little c a bath in his little tub. he hated his baths before when i was having to sponge him down, but now he really loves sitting in the warm water. today, after he managed to pee all over himself during a diaper change (thankfully those occasions are fewer now), i filled his little tub and plunked him in it while washing him down. he is so calm and relaxed after and smells so baby-sweet that i love to scoop him up in a big towel and snuggle him close. these moments won't last forever, so i'm cherishing it while he'll allow me to. before long, i'm sure even a momma's kisses will be embarrassing.

over the river and through the woods

this morning we decided to test drive little c's grandparents. we were going to try to go to the indoor flea market and thought maybe letting e's parents have him for a few hours might be a good trial for future outings. i got him fed, changed, dressed, and packed and e took him to nana & grandpa's. in the mean time i was able to have a cup of coffee, shower, get dressed, and decide on breakfast instead of the flea market. we were able to go out to the diner together and surprisingly i was not too concerned about our wee wren who was in safe and loving hands. we have only just begun to introduce a bottle one feeding a day, so packing up a bottle and his bouncer was a little strange feeling to me. a small fleeting moment of emptiness knowing i would not be breastfeeding him his late morning meal.

he slept for nana & grandpa the whole time and was only just getting up for a feeding when we arrived to whisk him back home. it was nice to have a few hours time to myself, as those moments are fleeting right now. however, i did miss my sweet munchkin and was happy to have him back in my arms at home by noon!

like weeds do

our little c is going through his first growth spurt. not only is our 8+lb baby boy growing bigger, he's eating bigger! every hour (sometimes every half) he is insisting that he is starving. at first i was thinking perhaps he was only wanting to suck on something to soothe himself. i finally broke down the other night and thawed out some frozen breast milk to try a bottle, just to see how much he might actually eat. after four ounces i realized he wasn't kidding! he was in fact hungry. he's having a hard time sleeping at night now, which means that i am up with him, too. last night i decided that i would sleep in our spare room so that i could feed him on demand and keep him in the bed with me. this worked out pretty well and i found that i did not mind so much because it was so nice to fall asleep next to my happy babe after every feeding. though i am very tired this morning, it's not stressful enough to be upset about. i just remind myself that he will go through these spurts and then they will be over until the next one. there's always a sunny place in the shadowed moments.

i have found myself very annoyed with the negative blaspheming of some already 'experienced' parents that want nothing more than to tell us things to make us feel disconcerted. the 'your life will never be your own again' s and the 'forget about sleeping' s and the 'you're in for the roughest ride of your life' s are just frustrating. if parenthood has not left you with a feeling of being blessed, then don't share that with me. i do not wish to take part in your downer-debbie mentality. sure, things are bound to get stressful and we will not always feel so sunny about parenthood, but why must people look at things like that's all there is? even in the rough moments there's always a better one around the corner. that's true of life, so why can't it be true of having children? e and i have been working on keeping a positive outlook on being parents. even when little wren is having a meltdown and we are standing there scratching our heads as to what he needs, we stay positive.

he's our baby. he'll always be our baby. and i do not wish to ever give a new parent the downer-debbie input that we've been given. all i can say to those new parents, like us, is that these past few weeks we've loved. even in our moments of exhaustion, it's always worth it to see our darling boy open his eyes, raise his eyebrows, make that inquisitive 'o' with his mouth, and look around while lifting his head from our shoulders.

who has the button?

last night when i was changing little c, i noticed something was missing... his umbilical cord stub! we now have a sweet little innie belly button in the middle of a growing belly. i've been waiting for this to happen because my dearest boy hates a sponge bath but loves having his hair washed. i think he will enjoy sitting in a warm bath where i don't have to unwrap/rewrap his little body parts as i wash each one.

sense and snugability.

i find a little bliss in the quiet moments while baby slumbers and peace is radiating in our home. we had an appointment for little wren with the doctor yesterday and found that our tiny babe is now growing rapidly. he is now 8lbs, 2oz which means he's gained over 1/2lb since his appointment a week ago. he was deemed very healthy and growing well. makes a momma's heart swell with pride.

the whole motherhood thing has come so naturally to me that it's often caught me off guard. before sweet baby c arrived, i was worried that i would lack that motherly instinct others told me i had. how would i know when he was sick or in pain? how would i know when to check for a fever or to call the doctor? would i be able to keep my cool and not get frustrated when he couldn't tell me what he needed? but after he was here and in my arms those fears started to melt away. as they thawed, i realized that my love and connection to this boy was not going to ever be severed. i was confident i could care for and provide for my son. the moment of truth came when, as i mentioned before, he spiked a brief fever a few nights ago. when i called my mother, she asked 'well, what made you take his temperature?' and i simply replied 'because when i was feeding him he felt hot to me.' and she said 'good, you would know that better than anyone.' it made me realize that i would know these things about my baby because i am his mother. because i know him best. because as a mom you pay attention to the things that only a mom will be aware of. i felt so wonderful, especially when his fever subsided an hour later.

i watch this small and beautiful creature with awe and wonder. he's so alert. so intent on listening and looking around. he's got such quirks already that i have great hope for how his personality will grow and develop. he makes me smile, laugh, and cry all at once. to love something so much that the emotions are impossible to withhold is such a gift. i could not ask for more than this.

hot under the collar

today i had my first real moment of panic for baby wren. we had him circumcised and the plastic ring that was due to fall off in five more days came off this morning. i felt my insides quiver as i called the on call doctor who assured us it should be okay. we just need to keep an eye on it until tomorrow to see if it looks infected or too swollen. my heart breaks for my sweet babe as i know that i shouldn't overreact. but later tonight he was fussy and hot to the touch. i took his temperature and after a few reads it was 100. my insides began to quiver again as i dialed my mom and asked what to do. she calmed me down and said that babies seem to run mild fevers around this time of night so not to panic. she told me to wait an hour and check it again to see if it had stayed the same or if it had gone up. if it seemed the same or higher, to cool him off with washcloths and call our doctor. later e took his temperature and it read perfect 98.6. i still feel a little on edge, but i am glad that he is not actually running a fever. tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment and i hope everything turns out to be okay. a momma can only handle so much worry!

winter dreamin'

today e cleaned up the garage and brought in my overly-large box of christmas decorations. now all we need is the tree and i can begin my favorite part of the winter season: christmas stylizing. i also spent about an hour with baby wren taking photos in the soft daylight. it felt o-so wonderful to take portraits again. makes me want to only photograph newborns as they are simply beautiful in every way.

proud mother wren

as my dear sweet baby wren slumbers, i find a quiet moment to pause and catch up. in my heart, one song continues to sing loudly over and over again; 'at last, my love has come along.'

two weeks overdue and my doctor spoke the word 'induction.' on november 18th at 5:00 a.m. we were in our birthing suite at the waldo county hospital's women & infant's center. our lovely nurses prepared me for what was to come and set me on my way into labor. e was doing well, as he has originally claimed he would be very nervous, and my mom soon arrived to also be at my side. shortly after, my wonderful doctor came in only to laugh and say 'i thought you would go into labor on your own! usually when i mention the word 'induction' women go into labor on their own from the shear thought of it!' he broke my water and i was quickly on my way. contractions were unpleasant, as my nurse put it 'they call it labor for a reason.' i was able to breathe through them and both e and my mom comforted and coaxed me quietly through them. hours in, i needed some relief and asked for the IV pain medication first. it did not ease contractions or my discomfort, but it did give me a good minute of rest in between them. it was short lived, as the contractions got stronger and fiercer and hours later i was asking to be given the epidural. my body was telling me i was ready to take a break and get some rest in order to be ready for the hardest part-- pushing! an hour later one of the anesthesiologists arrived and had a hard time giving me the epidural. once it was in, i soon discovered it was a failure and relaxation was to be a pipe dream. it managed to numb my legs and hips, but nothing else. my contractions strengthened and began to break in waves one on top of the other. i succumbed to the reality that i was not going to get relief after all. i wrapped my mind around the pain and focused souly on each and every moment of pain, what it's purpose was, and where it was taking me (closer to meeting my baby). the hours ticked by and my doctor came in for another progress check once i was feeling lots of pressure and the urge to push. thinking this was it, the time to begin our finale, he checked me only to report sadly that i was still stuck at 7cm. i had been at 7cm for a few hours and now it was discovered that my wee baby wren was posterior (facing backwards) and stuck in my pelvis. his head was putting pressure on my cervix and causing swelling that was preventing progress and dilation. he offered me two options: continue to labor for a few more hours and see if i finally could get there or have a cesarean. unfortunately, this was fourteen hours into my labor and i was exhausted. my hands shook, my voice was weak, and my mind (though focused) knew this natural labor was not going to happen. i was done and ready to meet our boy. i told this to my nurse and she told me to wait another hour and see what happened. i looked at e and said 'i don't have another hour, i need this now.' e looked and me and said 'i will take care of it.' he left the room and spoke to my doctor, who came back and said we would do it as soon as he got all of the staff ready. half an hour later i was being wheeled into surgery. the issue with the cesarean was that the epidural did not work for me, so they wanted to put me under to perform the surgery. for e and myself, this was the worst news. e took my doctor aside and had a talk with him about our fears and my amazing doctor asked the anesthesiologist to do the spinal block if at all possible. after 20 minutes and discovering a curve in my lower spine, the very talented anesthesiologist had me numb from my chest down. e joined me in the room and moments later he was being told to stand and look over the drape. at 7:50 p.m. out came our beautiful little boy and all e said was 'he's perfect, kristina.' our baby wren was quiet, and finally cried, much to my relief. then he was brought to me, eyes open, no longer crying, and indeed perfect. his face was put next to mine and i rubbed my nose to his nose, kissed him softly and whispered words of love to him. i then looked at e, he gave me a kiss, and i said 'go introduce our little boy to our family.' 7lbs, 15oz, and 20.25 inches long, he had finally arrived.

when i finally held my darling boy, i was overwhelmed by my immediate love for him. he happily and greedily fed and nestled perfectly into my arms, like he had always belonged there.

we have been home for 6 days and little wren is now 8 days old. he eats well, sleeps four to five hours straight in his own bassinet each night, and he's already showing a strong personality. he opens his eyes to look around, though as of yet he can only see shadows, light, and black & white. he's purely amazing from a mother's standpoint, but i know i'm not alone in feeling this way. we celebrated our first thanksgiving with my mother and father and enjoyed a bountiful feast. the night before we even got to spend time with e's mom, who will be known as mima from here on, as she spent the night and thanksgiving morning with us. plenty of visitors greeted baby as my aunt and uncle and cousin stopped at our house before we left for my parents', my grandparents, aunt, and cousin later dropped by my parents', too. turns out, our babe is a popular one.

i cannot say each moment of my new found parenthood has been or will be easy, but i must confess i have loved all of those moments and look forward to those coming in our future days. tears have trickled down my cheeks but a few times today as i allowed myself to acknowledge the love and appreciation i have for my son, my beloved e, and our families & friends.

for the grand finale

we've reached 42 weeks and there has been no real action made by our wee wren to move out of his cozy home in my belly and greet us on the outside. but worry not! we are concluding this pregnancy today -- in one hour to be exact. at 5:00 a.m. this morning i am to be induced. my doctor was waiting hopefully for me to start labor on my own, but, after much effort via walking and other various suggestions on how to get labor going, i never managed more than sporadic contractions. thus brings us to today and the grand finale for this momma. i have been awake since 11:00 p.m. in anticipation for what's to come. trying my hardest to sleep, i achieved nothing more than a head full of thoughts. the thing that's been amazing to me is how completely calm i've felt about this whole thing. even as the weeks counted down into days and now mere hours until our baby's arrival, i find that i have yet to feel nervous. i am so excited to meet our little boy that i am sure it's that the reality hasn't struck me yet.. but once i am told 'push!' it will become much more real for me. it's just very difficult to believe that this day has finally arrived and that i will be a mother. i have thought about this day for years and wondered what it would be like and the day has finally arrived. a family of my very own, of what more could i dream? a nest to feather with all of the love two wrens can give.

a means to an end

after a nonstress test on tuesday and a biophysical profile today, we have reached two conclusions: first-- our little boy is very healthy and second -- he's now 8lbs and i will need to be induced next week! he's gotten big enough that the doctor does not want to wait much longer before inducing me because if he gets much bigger he could make labor and delivery difficult for me. we don't know the exact date next week, but we have another NST on monday and an appointment with my doctor on tuesday. i'll most likely be induced tuesday or wednesday if i don't go into labor on my own this weekend. so ready to meet him! we watched him suck his hand, smile, and stick out his tongue today on the ultrasound and i just wanted to kiss his sweet little face!

busy birds

today rolls in as three days overdue and i'm trying to keep myself busy as not to get too anxious for labor to start. yesterday e and i went to run last minute errands in town before the little wren arrives. i managed to convince him to go to the local goodwill store with me where i pillaged the sweater racks for wool sweaters to begin my felted winter projects. i immediately felted them once we got home and today i started thinking of ways in which to re-love them into new things. i finally decided to make a christmas stocking for our babe's first christmas and set to work cutting up the sweaters and setting aside the pieces i liked best. once i had found the patterns and colors i wanted to use, i began drawing out the pattern for the stocking and cutting all of the parts to make it whole. now that i've begun using a sewing machine, i'm also learning how to sew much better. i was able to make the basic stocking without much distress and it all began to fall into place. i decided to hand stitch the cuff, pocket, toe & heel patches onto the stocking and finished it off with a button. sitting back and looking at it, i am blissfully excited to have our little boy share the christmas holiday with us. christmas happens to be this momma's favorite holiday and having a baby to spoil and pass my traditions down to warms my soul. can't wait to fill his stocking with goodies, though next christmas will be the one he'll actually be old enough to participate in.

patience is precious

today is our official due date for wee wren's arrival. still no baby, yet, but we're hopeful that it will be soon. though patience is not my strong suit when it comes to such exciting things, i am doing my best to just wait him out. so today's agenda will consist of laundry, dishes, doing all of the floors and some light dusting, getting groceries, and a late night walk with e and the pooches once he gets home from work. we have fall rain falling and clouds in the sky outside, but the sun is out on the inside today!

waiting in the wings

today i had an appointment with my doctor, hoping for great news. unfortunately that news didn't come. tomorrow is my due date and i have only progressed to 1cm dilated and my little wren's head is still high. the only option right now is to keep walking and try to let gravity help. we have an appointment next tuesday to have a non-stress test and then another check up to see how things are going and what our next step will be if he decides to stay nestled up much longer. i did manage to make an appointment to meet our pediatrician tuesday as well because it occurred to me that we will very soon have need for one! though i am feeling quite impatient, it's so exciting to know that any day now we could be welcoming our baby boy into the world and our lives. what a beautiful thing.

for the finale

as the fall air grows colder and the leaves have almost all left the trees and found a final resting place on the ground, i find myself anxiously chomping at the bit to have my son here with us. the sunshine through the bedroom windows warms the blankets on the bed as our fluffy black cat suns himself. this scene lends the insides of our home a cozy feeling as it shelters what's within from the nip in the air that's without. three more days until wee wren's due date and i cannot help but feel minutely dismayed at the fact that i feel no closer to labor. every morning e asks me how i'm feeling and if i think i'll go into labor soon and i hate to admit, each time, that i do not feel any closer. i can only hope my sweet babe will not keep us waiting too long to meet him. we are ready and we are calling 'olly olly all come free!'

spread your wings

five days. that's all that are left in our countdown to little wren's due date. we are prepared for the 'any day now' arrival and hoping he doesn't keep us waiting, but there's a bigger possibility he will wait to spread his wings and join us. thankfully i've begun readjusting to sleepless body & mind and most night's i'm able to get five hours of sleep. this morning, though, i found that i could not get back to sleep after my dear cat woke me up to be let out into the garage. so at 5:00am i lay awake thinking my usual wide-awake thoughts of baby, life, and the approaching labor. finally, at 7:00 i dragged myself into e's lair (his takeover of the spare room can only be described as such, trust me) and crawled drowsily into bed next to him. curling up against his back, even without the covers over me, as they were tightly wrapped around him, was so warm. i immediately fell asleep against him. it's remarkable that after months of not being able to get comfortable or sleep next to him, that my most peaceful slumber lately is in the wee hours of the morning when he crawls into bed next to me before he gets up to ready himself for work. this morning when he woke, he rolled over, covered me in the blankets, wrapped his arms around me and back to sleep we went. it was nice to have a later start than usual today. those little moments take me back to when we first started our relationship. i can't wait to bring our little wren into our world and share in these small cozy moments, too.

a forward past

i think of the past, which is not far out of my rear-view mirror, and realize how far we've traveled together. here, two years into our relationship and we're now just two weeks away from the biggest thrill we could want: parenthood. i could not be more blessed.

sleepless in seaside towns

with 16 days remaining before our due date, i am finding that i have not acquired my final burst of nesting energy everyone keeps mentioning to me. truthfully, i have found i have less energy and a strong desire to sleep my days away. the pitfall to this, however, is that with the desire to sleep comes the brain racing desire to check off my 'before baby arrives' list. though falling asleep is initially not a problem, i find that waking every few hours to run to the bathroom is then followed by a few hours of lying awake, no matter how exhausted, thinking of things left undone and even more of how life will be with our little wren in it. it's the excitement that's been drawing me from my REM cycles to wonder about our little boy. what will he look like? how will he sleep? will he be insistently active or contently mellow? will life completely be upended or will we be able to maintain our flow? what kind of person will he grow up to be and how will we encourage his development?

i think many parents spend time thinking these thoughts and indirectly asking these questions of their children. i don't feel alone in this. i merely feel tired. overpowering any other feeling i could be experiencing is the want of sleep and lack thereof. even naps are short lived or mythical notions. the only options i have left are to accept this as my body's preparation for nightly feedings and fussings and to rest as often as is possible with or without a proper round of REM sleep. so here's to a day spent on our deliciously comfy new couch, indulging in quiet moments of rest and contentment.

in motion

in simpler times of bodily form, my biggest complaints were about small love handles and a few extra pounds. in this time of cohabitation, my body has other complaints to make. we have reached our 37 weeks of this gestation and my wee wren is now considered full term by medical means. but my assumption is that he will continue to share my body for the remaining few weeks and grow a bit more. though our last doctor's appointment revealed that our boy is a teensy 5lbs, 7oz and only in the 30th growth percentile, he's still developing very well. despite his small stature (with parents as small as we, what else is to be expected?), he's been practicing some pretty enormous kicks and shoves. today has been a day full of activity, and, as he's maxed out his amniotic fluids as well as room in my belly, my stomach has resembled something quite alive! watching/feeling him jump around is a proud moment in the sun, only shadowed slightly by the fact that these movements are growing increasingly uncomfortable and at times.. painful! i had claimed to 'be accustomed to' all of the movement, but now it's taken on a life of it's own. and, though it often makes me stop to catch my breath, i must smile at his zeal and vigor while reminding myself that these are the final days. only too soon will he make his entry into the world and i will hold his sweet little form against rather than inside of me. i excitedly await this day with nothing short of a mother's love.

chili combats chilly

today is one of those perfectly executed fall days. complete with sunshine, blue skies, a cool breeze, and falling leaves. i decided today was a day to combat the crisp autumn chill in the air with my favorite chili recipe (as my mom calls it: 'chili chummy!'). as it slowly simmers in our slow cooker, i am taking the time to wash a few more baby items and loving the smell of 'dreft' laundry detergent. the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean but there still seems to be so many things left undone. with our baby clock counting down, this momma wren needs to step up the feathering of this nest!

fall feasties

today was a blustery fall day in our cozy little ocean town and i felt compelled to start in on my fall baking. deciding to start out with my favorite recipe for this season, my mom's pumpkin chip cookies, i set about my afternoon in the kitchen. once the cookies were complete and resting on their cooling racks, i began my next task in fall inspired tasties: apple crisp. my kitchen now smells of pumpkin spices and hearty apple warmth. i am wishing i had a few more supplies to bake a few pies and muffins now and will be trekking to the grocery store for those needed items to begin the next leg of this baking journey.

obsessive organizing

last night i spent at least an hour refolding all of our wee wren's clothes, washing the interior and exterior of his bureau, filling cloth bags with laundry-scented tarts, and organizing outfits by size and use. i am sure that my nesting addiction will have me rearranging it once, twice, three times more before he arrives in my arms. the day before i spent a few hours, after e had moved the remaining furniture into his room, placing his things on the shelves and bureau, moving his toys around, and sitting in the rocking chair admiring the warm and cozy little nook. his tiny nursery is looking so lovely that i cannot wait to have him in it. in anticipatory imagination, i find myself switching on his mobile to listen to it's soft music and stare into his crib.

yesterday my love and i tackled the task of bedroom rearranging and i am pleased with the outcome. moving the overlarge bookcase into the big spare room, loading it full of our books, and hauling our bureaus back into our bedroom, swapping out the location of a small stand, and placing small decorative items back in their rightful places made the upstairs begin to feel homey and snuggly. i even took it upon myself to set up our new bassinet which arrived a few days ago. not that i don't love my family heirloom bassinet, but after the fifth time of having the legs not lock correctly and one side or another collapse to the floor.. i felt i could not, in good conscience, allow my baby to sleep in something so unstable. worrying first time mother syndrome? perhaps. necessary and well-worth-it purchase? absolutely. i admit i love the look of my old bassinet more than the one we purchased, but will take safety over visual appeal any day. the heirloom bassy will live in the nursery filled with stuffed animals and blankets which cannot be injured by falling to the floor.